"If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice."

Truth?

I had lunchie with Emm today. Haha the lonely people unite :)

I feel super worried today. I know I'm over thinking things, but this uni apps thing is draining my energy from inside out. I shouldn't have checked the Financial Aid thing :( It made me uber anxious.. *emo mode* I kept calculating my finances at work and I'm really scared now..

Bad things aside, the weather's hot and cold today :/

Rainy days reminds me of something I like to do.

I like to shelter people under my umbrella.
Like I walk on the streets with an umbrella on a rainy day, when I see someone, little children, male, female, I like to go beside them and shelter them. Hahahahaha. Especially if it's a guy. *cheeky smile*

I don't do it often la, since it doesn't rain all the time, and a lot of people actually have umbrella la.

Just awhile ago, I tried to disturb my sister. I scolded her jokingly for always being rude to me, beating me, scratching me etc etc. And she cried after Ahyi and I kept calling her a "baby" for not understanding anything cuz she kept laughing when I "scolded". LOL ._. And when she calmed down, it goes like this:

Sis: I'm sorry jie.
Me: Sorry for what?
Sis: Beating you *stretches out her arm to hug me and then she hit me my back*
Me: Why you beat jie jie again?
Sis: No la.
Me: Now you sayang jie jie? How you sayang jie jie?
Sis: Hug you.
Me: Somemore?
Sis: Kiss you.

LOL :D

&the pages keep turning.

那个让你流泪的、是你最爱的人` 
那个懂你眼泪的、是最爱你的人` 
那个为你擦干眼泪的、才是最后和你相守的人。

&the pages keep turning.

Changed blog song :) Go listen to it! ^^

My sister, she stopped holding my hands. Haha I'm a little sad!
Today I tried to make her hold my hand. She's really cute la.

Me: You don't sayang jie jie? You don't want to hold my hand? Oh jie don't buy you anything anymore.
Sis: I hug you! *stretches out her arms widely*
Me: Don't want. Hold jie jie's hands!

Hahaha and she shyly held my hand for awhile. We walked a few steps and then she smiled shyly and ran off to hold Ahyi's hands instead. Hahahahahaha.

The part where she shyly held my hand was the best (Y)

I think it's really sweet to hold hands!! :D

Lemme tell you what I think is sweet.


1. A kiss, not anywhere else, but the forehead (by your parents, lover, friends etc.)
2. Holding hands (even though it's something, perhaps, so normal for some)
3. Singing duets

<3

Meaning of forehead kiss: The "motherly" kiss or "just friends" kiss. The forehead kiss can be a comforting kiss to anyone. Simply brush your lips lightly across the crown of their head.

I don't need anything too extravagant in life.
But little things like this can really put a smile on my face :)

Gabriella: Prom is a thousand miles away. 
Troy: My prom is whereever you are.


:)

&the pages keep turning.

Did this for fun since I'm bored. Hehe :D

&the pages keep turning.

Argh, so upset now.
I haven't met anyone who's this sarcastic to me
when he/she doesn't even try to understand my intention.

&the pages keep turning.

Hello! I'm gonna do some proper blogging now :)
The week had basically made me be in a turmoil. Mostly.

The week has made me think of the sacrifices that I have to make for my future. Kinda makes me a little disappointed how my parents are like that. Kinda makes me a little disappointed about how I probably have to stop violin lessons for about a year if everything works out. But still, I'm looking forward to my dad coming back to Singapore. I wanna settle this real quick, and end this agony.

If things don't work out, it'll be really goodbye for me.

&the pages keep turning.

This video never fails to bring me to tears every time I watch it :)

&the pages keep turning.

Sometimes I need someone to knock me into my senses.
And yes, I'm awake now. I see some light :)

That'll be thanks to my supervisor.

I was almost gonna surrender to my fate. Almost.

&the pages keep turning.

人类如果没有心脏那就好了 ..
受伤不会流血、
悲伤也不会流泪。

Sometimes I do wonder what bad things I did in my previous life to deserve all these.

My sadness has turned to frustration.

And I say, I won't shed a tear anymore.
Because they were never once worth my tears. Never.

I talked to my supervisor over lunch today and she was telling me that maybe I should accept the offer first, and decide the rest later and maybe I can take this time to convince them again. I'm not really sure if I should heed her advice. In case I can't accept it in the end because they're not convince, what are the consequences?

&the pages keep turning.

Morning turmoil.

My sister's really great..
As I cried, she patted me on my back, hugged me and tried to comfort me. I need a big big big hug now. But.. I've got work. Again.. My eyes are damn swollen and tired now. God, please take my tears away. So that even when I want to cry again, I wouldn't be able to.

Sometimes I wish I could be my sister. Who does not desire for anything.

Desires make me sick.

&the pages keep turning.

Seriously JKMN. I can't live. Or more like I don't want to.

&the pages keep turning.

I don't know what my life's gonna be like from now onwards.

Called the nanny to ask about my mum and she said my mum did call and told her that she avoided my calls because she can't afford to pay for my uni fees here and she wants me to go back to Indo to help her in her business. I don't even know what to think now.

I just feel so depressed. And disappointed. With idk who.

&the pages keep turning.

Life is really full of ups and downs.

Just rants below..

So far, I didn't manage to contact my parents at all. It's making me quite anxious. I want them to tell me the good news (if they allow it) but at the same time, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't allow it and it'll be bad news and so I don't really want to know their answer as well. Dilemma. Always.

I don't know what to feel now. It's as though they purposely avoid my calls. Because there's no reason why the house phone would not be picked up. And there's also no reason why my mum wouldn't answer her phone. Other than trying to avoid me.

My mum's angry with me currently.

I had a long chat with the nanny yesterday night. She told me about what my mum said about me not calling her until I need her for money.

This "fight" with my parents, I will always lose.

Although in other children's perspective, I may be almost the perfect child, independent and responsible, but in my parents' and other relatives' eyes, I'll always be the bad one. Distant and disrespectful.

And that's why I know I will lose. Because there's just no way to argue against that. I couldn't agree more. I'm constantly feeling bitter about how I don't honour my parents enough. And I just chose to stay that way, not making any effort. So now, it's just rants?

Then I told the nanny, "Who's looking at things in MY perspective? It's like talking to a friend who's not interested in what you have to say, isn't it difficult to even talk?"

She replied, "But your mum is not your friend. She is your mother. If it's your friend, if they are not interested then don't talk, but she is your mum, even if she's not interested you just have to tell her about the things in your life. You should know how much you rely on her for money, for food, for studies."

DARN. DARN. DARN. DARN. DARN.

There's no way to argue against that.
I too hate myself for being reliant on them. For money.

BUT I HATE THE FACT THAT MY MUM IS NOT MY FRIEND. I HATE THAT FACT I HATE THAT FACT I HATE THAT FACT. WHY CAN'T SHE BE A FRIEND TO ME? WHY MUST IT BE A TALK-DOWN-TO-ME RELATIONSHIP THAT WE HAVE? WHY? F***.

It comes down to 3 issues now as to why I think they would not allow me to accept UTRP.
1. Money
2. Trust
3. Disrespect

I don't know. It's a bit too late to try to reconcile with my mum now. If the call I'm gonna make later manages to get through, I'm sure I'll hear some screaming over the phone. Until it's over................................................................ I'll never see another day of light.

&the pages keep turning.

I am seriously punished for too much happiness in my life because I 'forgot' about my parents. And this is what happens...................

&the pages keep turning.

SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS BORN A BOY.

&the pages keep turning.

Lol the negativity in my head is going to kill me from inside. Omg.
Seriously think I'll be punished for too much happiness in my life. ARGH.

What to do?

KEEP MY FINGERS CROSSED TODAY.

&the pages keep turning.

Everything is almost perfect now :)

Got a place at Angsana College.

What I need to do, is to convince my parents.
Please wish me good luck guys.

Please don't punish me for having too much happiness in my life..

&the pages keep turning.

Just a random post about hair today. Haha.

Just heard that Jerrie cut her hair short. I'm looking forward to seeing her.
SHORT HAIR ROCKS :D Hahahahahaha.

But of course, everyone is suited for different hairstyles. Like some people look weird with long hair, while others look weird with short hair.

I realise I get bored of my hairstyle easily. Haha.
I always change hairstyle once in 2 years? HAHA. Change between short and long, rebonded and permed hair. My hair is so spoilt after having all sorts of chemicals on my hair -_- Now it's even dyed.

Everytime I cut my hair short, it kinda makes me feel a bit 不舍得 since it takes quite long to grow long hair. But still, it's damn shiok to change hairstyle once in in awhile. HAHAHAHA :D

Me still a supporter of short hair ;)

But yea, I'm gonna keep long hair again. Bored of short hair liao.

And for guys' hair, me like BOTAK! Don't you think it's cool?
1. NEAT
2. Outstanding

LOL. These reasons are enough to make me think that someone is cool. Hahahaha.

Ciao~ Happy working to me :D

&the pages keep turning.

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.

The past few days have been great for me :)

Tuesday, I had UTRP interview. I was really scared about this group interview because of the horrors from SMU's, but it turns out to be not that scary afterall. I didn't speak too well, as compared to the rest, but I thought I did fine. Really hope for a good result, and everything will be perfect!

I really liked the 2 professors who spoke to us.
They showed genuine interest in whatever we say :)

Hope Angsana College will be the place I'll be.

At night, I was out with my lover. Haha we went for the Segway After Dark tour at Sentosa. Don't know what's a segway, this is a segway:

AWESOME BO? :D

Yup, so we rode that and toured around Sentosa.
It was supposed to be some haunted expedition, but I wasn't frightened most of the time ._.

1. There were too many of us in the tour. I think about 6 of us. When there's too many people, it kinda loses the feeling of spookiness. But anyway, if you ask me to go alone, I will never ever dare to. I'm really scared of the dark and forested areas :/

2. The segway was too fun!! HAHA was so engrossed with the segway that all the fears are gone!

But really, it was super fun la! ^^


Then yesterday, went to catch Wicked with my church friends at MBS. OMG. SPECTACULAR. I LOVE THE SINGING MOST OF ALL. I was so mesmerized by their voices that it brought me to tears a couple of times. I understood the story but I wasn't paying too much attention to their actions and was just listening to their voices.

We bought the $55 tickets. It was quite far back, but sound was still good and can see the whole stage plus a bit of the band/orchestra. And we got the middle seats. Haha so yea, everything was good.

My church friends make me feel like a family sometimes.
It's like only my closest closest friends will call me "Fee", some don't even call me that actually and they would prefer 'FeeFee" in full. But all my church friends call me 'Fee". Hahahaha. Awww.

It was an awesome night.


Today, another uber good day. Because I'm offered a place at FASS! Why do I say if I get UTRP, it'll be perfect? That's because, I'll get to stay in campus :D For 2 years at least. If I don't get into UTRP, my parents will never allow me to stay at hostel.. But if I get offered a place at Angsana College, where it's compulsory to stay in campus, omg, it'll be seriously perfect.

Hmm, haven't heard of any news from SMU. I think I CMI liao :( Since the interview went so badly for me. They don't want me. NTU also no news << but nevermind. Haha.

My supervisor is really nice la. She's like my good friend at work. Haha I'll always update her about my uni stuff. And when I told her that I got a place at NUS, she treated me to lunch! At Fish&Co. Then we'll talk about school, friends, life, etc. I think she's like 50 plus, but we can still talk. Haha no generation gap :D Awesome bo?

Good things always come to those who wait?
I might just think so :)

Anyway, in the afternoon, I was smsing this friend. Somehow I think this friend might have misinterpreted what I said and the reply I got somehow had that sarcastic/nasty tone. I think sometimes I try to read too much into what people say. And sometimes I may be, or probably wrong. But I have this very awkward feeling now :/

If I get to study psychology, I want to study the psychology of the SMS language.
Like how people try to hide their feelings which might work since it's "SMS" and you don't see the friend you're talking to in person but also, why and how one would fail to hide real feelings even in SMSes.

I know I shouldn't try too hard to figure things out or interpret people's language.
I might just ruin another friendship..

&the pages keep turning.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

I felt like I could have _ _ _ on the train -_-

The crowd was so bad that we seriously stood butt to butt. It was really uncomfortable. Feeling somebody's butt in front of me. And behind me. Omg. Plus, it was hard breathing today. I guess earlier trains might have broke down which explains the crowd because I usually take the train around that time, but it was never as bad as this. Lol hope tomorrow won't be like that.

Tomorrow's another "D-Day". Quite worried that it would be a current affairs group interview like SMU's since I got an hour interview timeslot this time, which is like.. Too much for myself to talk? Unless there's essay test and all that. I need a lot of luck :/

I can't afford to screw this up.

My hostel stay = my life, depends on this.

:/

The worst part is, there's no information about this interview on the internet or forums. Because this is the first year that the college is accepting freshman. I hope I can be part of the pioneer batch :)

Jiayou to me!

&the pages keep turning.

I wish that somebody could read between my lines. I don't really want to let you know anything, wishing you were the one who could.

&the pages keep turning.

I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles. 
- Audrey Hepburn

Tired.

2am for 2 consecutive nights.
Plus I couldn't really get to sleep last night. Lol

Anyway, I think today will be great! It's Sunday :) It's my day to be busy. Or at least I'm out.
I don't know when I started resorting to escapism. But yea, just let me escape from this reality.
Because I'm always in a perpetual dilemma.

I finished watching episode 1 of Love Rain. It was heart wrenching. I didn't cry or what, but this is how it goes: Guy A fell in love with Girl at first sight. He didn't tell her of course. Then Guy A's best friend, Guy B, also met Girl and fell in love with her at first sight. Then Guy B keeps asking Guy A to help him out and help Guy B and Girl to get together. And all Guy A could do, was hide all his feelings away because he didn't think that Girl would fall in love with him also. Omg seriously heart wrenching when he fakes those smiles while his heart breaks apart from inside out. I feel for him.

I just realise how much I blog recently. Especially when I'm having mixed feelings, I blog every single day. Sometimes it makes me feel bad for my blog and diary. They are always filled with the weirdest emotions I experience. Haha.

&the pages keep turning.

The worst part about being strong is that no one ever asks if you're okay.

&the pages keep turning.

Hi. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Because I don't. Do you?

And what does it mean, when one says "Love means never having to say you're sorry"?

&the pages keep turning.

BUT DON'T TALK TO ME PLEASE.
UNLESS IT'S RECONCILATION.

I can't believe I'm telling a friend that I'm afraid of losing you.
How cheesy. And I've fallen.

Now this feels like me. At least on the female's side.


Big big sigh? Yea.
I've fallen too much.

&the pages keep turning.

Obstacles are put in our way to see if what we want is worth fighting for.

Argh! My heart softens so easily.
I'm unhappy with myself now :( I need more determination than this..

Today's great :) Lunch with Emm at MOF and then we met again in the evening for dinner + Mardi Gras! Haha! Food at MOF was really good la! Love the food there. Kinda reminds me of Ichiban. THE TOFU WHICH I ORDERED WAS DAMN NICE. AHHHH~

I love it how we don't talk to each other much until recently, but when we meet, we can just talk about anything. We shared stuff about our work life and other experiences. I think it was fantastic :) And she's such a kawaii girl :D


Then met class people at Bedok MRT to have dinner together before going for Mardi Gras. The weird thing was how girls (who are working) can reach earlier than the guys (who are free). Lol with the exception of Jia Hong and Jia Sheng. Oh and Jia Sheng joined us! Quite surprising :D But I guess it's good cuz the guys would have wanted to hear JS's army stories. And Wenxiu too joined us! It's been a long time since our class people met her! The last time was.. Last year I think?

It's good that she was there. We could update stuff about our life, about uni apps etc!

I still feel bad about some stuffs, which I confessed to her just now :(
She must be disappointed with me.

Mardi Gras was so so. Haha Mr Han was so spontaneous la! He dressed as a clown :D And in the end he won some best dressed award. Haha. Anyway the juniors now are more enthusiastic about dressing up as compared to us 2 years ago ._. Anyway, I guess today was more of a meeting up session rather than really enjoying Mardi Gras? Hahahaha.

Left school at about 10 and we headed to the hawker centre to have "supper" LOL. Weather was hot like sick la ._. But yep, just talked a bit and then we all parted ways again.

Back to leading our own lives huh?

I just realise everything should be "yesterday" since I blogged this only at 1.09am. Hah.

Ohya! I received my parcel yesterday. Aww, love one of the dresses especially :) Now I'm excited about receiving my checkered blue skirt soon! ^^

&the pages keep turning.

If you were feeling lonely, why don't you ever tell me?
If you were feeling lonely, why don't you ever talk to me?
If you were feeling lonely, why don't you ever look for me?

If you were feeling lonely, why don't you ever accept me?

&the pages keep turning.

Nobody is worth your tears. The one who is won’t make you cry. 

Guess what I did at work? 

I was planning my finances for the next couple of months. LOL How's that? ._.

Save save save save. I need to spend less, save more. That's it.

I've been thinking a lot about various things. People keep telling me "You should think more of yourself". I've grown tired of that line. I've grown tired of myself. It makes me disappointed like what the heck have I been doing? So now, I have been trying to really think about myself a lot more. But I'm in a dilemma, fearing that I'm not being myself.

Question: Which is my true self?

Maybe I'm truly selfish and my "somewhat selfless" self is my unreal self?

Honestly, I'm very tired about this friendship thingy.
I don't want to be treated like a thing. Only when I'm needed, one will use me. And when I'm not, I get dumped somewhere like a junk? I.. have to think for myself, decide for myself, what's for me, and what's not. If you don't need me in your life, just tell me and don't ever leave me in the dark feeling insecure, and I guess.. I will then remove myself from yours..

Gah. I don't even feel sad anymore. I'm just filled with determination now.

Anyway, I seriously need to get busier. I should stop thinking of this.

Never again,

&the pages keep turning.

I was so sleepy at work today :(

&the pages keep turning.

Having a lover is really awesome.

&the pages keep turning.

Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity.

The interview was ................................... -_-
The first thing that shocked me was, when the interviewer asked which schools we were from, the first one said, "Raffles" the second one said "Hwa Chong" and then I SAID TEMASEK and the last said, "Dunman High" LOL. I was interviewed with the elites among the elites?!

That was my first impression.

And you know what? First impression always counts. And will stay throughout. HAHAHHA.

They were really good, as in confident, insightful, expressive etc. While I on the other hand, noob like crap. I wasn't too nervous in the room, but my thoughts were quite disorganised and that kinda make me can't express myself well.

Overall, it was really quite bad for me I thought.

And I know that the moment I compared myself to the other interviewees, in terms of inferiority, I lost half of the battle already. What more not picking myself midway. I practically lost the whole battle with my inability to redeem myself.

Anyways, the interviewees were really nice. While waiting for the interview, I talked to one of the candidates for a later time slot (somehow she reached really early lol) and after the interview, I talked to the interviewees who were in the same room/group as me. Hahahaha like some old friends. LOL ._. The future SMU students. They confirm get in la.

As for me..? Unlikely.
Still, I shall hope for the best :/

I WILL SERIOUSLY NEED A LOT OF LUCK.

I shall post again tonight! Probably :D

&the pages keep turning.

TOMORROW'S D-DAY! :D

&the pages keep turning.

I was randomly clicking stuff at hotmail and when I clicked on "Social Updates", I stumbled upon old mails from Friendster and Facebook which I didn't delete last time. Guess what I saw..

Social Interview asked: What part of Vivi Tan's body do you like?
Joshua answered: tail

LOLNESS OVERLOAD.
Laughed like sick.

&the pages keep turning.

Don't be too surprised because one would probably not ever ever ever believe in what I am about to write today (If you know me well enough, you'll know why. Haha) So, if you're going to judge any religion, or judge me, don't read on.

Really, recently, the agony I'm feeling and the thought of how the work of God is so amazing, is enough to bring me to tears. Bucket full of tears. Can you imagine? Crying tears of sadness and happiness at the same time, it's weird isn't it?

Church is like my haven, my salvation.

I attended church services for the past 3 days. I don't think I have ever been to so many services in a week. Lol. On Saturday, it was Holy Saturday and there was a mini service. I did not even hesitate, not even a little, to attend this. The emcee mentioned that God works in the most unexpected time, most unexpected place and in the most unexpected ways. I couldn't agree more.

Just when I felt lonely, He gave me friends. My church friends are a bunch of awesome peeps. When Mitzy saw me joining them for the movie outing after masses yesterday, she exclaimed, "I'm so happy to see you with us today!" It's because I seldom join them for after Youth outing since I usually have violin lessons. But yesterday, I didn't have lessons because my teacher was overseas. Plus my lover asked me out for dinner on Saturday. Just when I needed a friend so much. Yup, God really works in amazing ways.

Just when I was down, He enlightens me. Like I said, church is my haven, my salvation. I needed to escape I guess.. I'm sorry for having such shady reasons to go to church, but I am really lifted in spirits wherever I'm there. Wherever I'm there, I don't feel down, my heart feels much lighter, my mind's not in a mess and I'm at peace. It's like I don't understand much of what the pastor says la, but through the songs we sang, or just hearing words from the pastor, it was enough to make me calm. Yup, God really works in amazing ways.

Although I said I feel lonely, maybe I just need to get away from people whom I know better already. Ironic isn't it but maybe that's how it is that I need to meet new people, make new friends and forge new relationships.

Now it's like I'm back to reality, where the harshness just comes crashing onto me. But I've found a song that keeps me playing it on repeat titled "Oceans Will Part" and it makes me smile listening to it. Please do listen to it if you're reading this! ^^

I guess that's all today :)

&the pages keep turning.

I get the feeling that if I were to tell you that I could end it all, you wouldn't even try to save it.

&the pages keep turning.

My sister's really nice at times. Although she knows nothing, she knows nothing about how relationship between people works, she knows nothing about the world, she knows nothing complicated but.. her words can just make me smile.

Me: Oh Jie feel lonely. You know what is "lonely"?
Sis: *shrugs*
Me: It means you have no friends and you don't have friends to talk to.
Sis: You got me.

T.T

Anyway I was checking out the interview thingy on the forums.

Participating doesn't mean dominating the discussion, but just sharing your opinions with the group. Learning in university is not just top down, but horizontal too. If you don't speak up, you're not contributing to the education of your peers, nor are you to your own. Lively discussions certainly add value to any class. Only by open dialogue will you be able to thrash out your ideas with those of others, and emerge with a better, multi-dimensional understanding of the subject discussed.

Anyway it's not like you're supposed to debate. You can agree, or oppose. You don't have to sound smart or original. Heck you can even sound stupid - it doesn't matter as long as you response encourages others. It's all about putting your 2 cents worth into the common pool. No one likes a freeloader, and that holds true even in classes.

It's not hard to speak up. It's pride which holds us back. We don't want to lose face by sounding stupid.

Please, I beg myself. Please throw that pride away for once.

&the pages keep turning.

What do you think is the worst feeling one could ever feel?

I think it's loneliness.

And that's what I'm feeling right now.
Like I'm being sucked into a black hole of emptiness.
But I know, the only person who can save me is myself.

&the pages keep turning.

Where's my heart?
I think I threw it in the well.

It turned dirty. And dark.

Counting blessings,

&the pages keep turning.

“Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you.”

Saw this quote on Twitter. So sweet :)

Anyway, today's great man. Because it's GOOD FRIDAY!

It's the first time I attended Good Friday masses. I don't know why for the past 4 years I didn't go leh.. I was hesitant about going to church this morning :/ I feel really bad about it man.. Why was I so hesitant? But anyway, it was good choice that I decided to get dressed and leave for church :)

There was a drama musical during the service. OMG. GREAT VOICES. I GET TO HEAR GREAT VOICES!! I didn't understand a thing they sang because it was in Bahasa Indonesia. But I could hear every word clearly. Their enunciation was top man. Although I didn't understand a thing, but the words they spoke off and singing still echoes in my heart now.

They were really good and I was just mesmerized by the whole musical. This musical actually re-ignited my love for singing. Honestly, I'm not a good singer, but I love to sing. And I remembered those times in Choir when we sang really nice songs :) It kinda make me wanna join choir again. So I will consider joining the Youth choir at church :) Anyway my Saturdays are free :)

I really love singing. Haha I always have this wish of having a boyfriend who loves to sing. And he'll play the guitar, we'll sing duets and harmonise in the weirdest chords and all that. Romantic isn't it? :) Or we could just ride our bikes side by side, hold hands and sing together. Sweet isn't it? :)

But yea, I only live in my fantasies :)

Haha I suddenly feel like listening to some christian songs. Amazing Love and You Are My All In All are currently on repeat in my playlist :) My favourites! :D


On the way home, I had a conversation with TY which reminded me of this quote: Be the person you want to meet. I don't know how one can expect others to treat him/her in a certain way, when he/she don't do the same? Tsk.

Whatever! Today should be a cheerie day. Shouldn't be posting about ... stuff!

Blessed be.

&the pages keep turning.

Life isn't about being yourself, but creating yourself. 

SOMEBODY PLEASE ASK ME OUT THIS SLIGHTLY-LONGER-WEEKEND! PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE..! I have no guitar and violin lessons this Saturday and Sunday respectively..! I can stay out longer (and not leave halfway anymore. lol) But if there nobody asks me, then I know what God has planned for me. To mug for interview..!! :x :x

Yohoho.
A bit lazy the past 2 days, so here it is!

On Tuesday, I had a nice chat with my supervisor (No more superior << sounds weird. HAHA) about the upcoming SMU interview. She was really sweet! She said, "I believe you can do it." She was also telling me about how I should treasure the time I'm studying because studying is enjoyable. LOLOL @.@ But I do feel quite scared about going into the workforce.. As in permaneantly. So.. yup, must work hard and play hard in uni! :D

Then in the afternoon, all the staffs had to attend this briefing. Haha it allows me to escape from work :D It was in a room at the Academy, with tables and chairs. It felt like I was back at school attending lectures. HAHAHA. On the way to the Academy, my supervisor suddenly randomly asked about my mole -_- I told her how much I hate it. And she added on to say it can look sexy (Yea yea, maybe in the 60s). In my head I was like WTFASDFGHZX?! I seriously hate hate hate my mole. But some religious stuff, so I cannot remove also.

We started talking about the different moles found in whichever part of our body. Random right? Quite a weird and funny conversation we had. Haha.

Overall, Tuesday was a good day (because I believed that it will be! :D)

But yesterday.. So-so la. I think it was cuz of the rain :/
I don't like the rain. And it made me feel a bit :| Idk why. I was late for work somemore.
My supervisor was on leave, but I had quite a lot of things to do at work, so it wasn't like last week when I could write my essay. HAHAHA. Work has been okay la. This week I had more things to do. I still remember last week I kept complaining about how slack I was and I kept gmarket-ing and all that. Anyway I told myself I won't buy anymore stuff unless necessary la! Must save save save..!

Oh yesterday, I wore this dress that I haven't wear for a long long long time. Haha going to work is good. It makes me not waste the clothes that I buy. I can't seem to find the appropriate occasion to wear those dresses/clothes other than going for Youth. Because if go out with friends, will probably wear something simple like shorts and shirt maybe? I don't know. Hahahaha. Lol but the dress yesterday was slightly shorter than my other dresses. I think if I wear anything shorter than that, I will kena throw stones at la for exposing my fat legs -_- But anyway, it was a kawaii dress. HAHAHA. My style ._.

In the evening, I had more time so I went to check out the uni fees. Omg. It's really expensive after I calculated the 4 years tuition fees. I was so insistent about staying at the hostel when I argued with my parents the other time but I didn't realise that tuition fees plus hostel stay was really that expensive. I am really not sensible.. :( All I thought of was, "Why can't my parents think more about a quality education for me when we can afford it?" Screw me. It's like their hard earned money.

Today, I dressed like a Japanese student. Maybe I just need a cardigan/blazer and pull up/fold my skirt to make the skirt shorter and maybe a ribbon and it'll be perfect. HAHA! But yea. I don't want imaginary stones to be thrown at me. Lol. Anyway, Gmarket rocks :D Just saying.

I had lunch with my lover at the food court today. YOU KNOW WHAT? I didn't spend more than $15 for lunch this week! :D Haha previously, my lunch was about $7 a day.. Ahh, what an accomplishment. I'm proud of myself! Next week must continue to be like that also. *Sighs thinking about work again next week*

Surprisingly today, one of my colleagues said bye to me as he left earlier. But it really shocked me because no one else says bye, other than my supervisor..! :x

what's for me,

&the pages keep turning.

Tough times never last but tough people do.

Today..

It didn't start off well.
I forgot to bring my ezlink card out -_-
And there was triple blow for me.

One, I haven't quarreled with a friend for years already. And today, I just did. It wasn't a big quarrel or what. But just.. :/ I became afraid of not knowing how to deal with it.

Those last few words gave me shivers.

Reminding me of a bad remuneration.

Two, I was going crazy at work. All the agreements made me go so mad that I see stars encircling above my head. I wasn't in the mood to do anything and when I'm having mixed feelings, I like to doodle and draw hearts and butterflies (don't ask me why these 2). So I wasn't concentrating at all but I still had to deal with those documents. I guess my mind was just in a mess, I couldn't think straight and that's why I took very long to figure things out and get things done and right.

Three, on the way home, I was on the phone with my uncle. He asked me to talk to my parents about what I wanna apply, how much are the school fees etc. Argh, I don't know if I'm ready to talk to my parents yet. But I know I should. Because they're my parents. I know I should.

After all these, it kinda made me even more sian.. My eyes are hurting so much cuz I slept late last night tossing and turning around my bed thinking about uni apps. And I'm just mentally tired and overwhelmed by everything.  This is not even the beginning!! Nothing has begun. But I feel like I can collapse already, worrying so much every single day.
Anyways, from today, I learnt an important lesson. I was kinda proud of myself that I'm able to be more honest about my feelings towards more people.. But I guess, some feelings are not meant to be spoken about. And when they are, I become a confusing person. Even Jorene still tells me she's confused by me sometimes. Lesson learnt is that, I should not tell people my feelings even if I'm happy or sad, angry or at peace. That guilt of burdening someone with my feelings.. I don't want it. I know a lot of things come with responsibility. I need to be more responsible for my emotions and actions.

I think, even if I tell people "everything's good", it can make things turn out from bad to good! Because it's the state of mind, I believe. The positive thinking will make anything and everything bad become something better. So it's not such a bad idea to tell people that you're fine even if at times you're not.

There's still a question I always want to ask.
Would you rather know the sad truth, or know nothing at all?

Today's just.. a compensation for too much of happiness in my life.

It'll be better tomorrow. I'll believe.

&the pages keep turning.

Why.. are you so magical?
Always stirring up my less emotional self.
Bringing me happiness, tears, anxiety, guilt.........

I don't quite understand how people can speak words that they don't mean.

Wait. Maybe I do. Because I constantly lie about my emotions. I'm a liar. A fat one.

Anyway, I'll make today an exception. I won't put my emotions on control for just just just a moment today. I know it wasn't bearable. For a moment it wasn't.

That's life.

But saying "That's life" or accepting the hard truth, that's what makes life truly saddening and fearful.

Sometimes I wonder.. Am I even worth to be angry at?
Maybe I'm not at all. I don't have the ability to stir up people's emotions.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm really really really really shallow.
Because, you're always always always always ahead of me in your thinking.

Honestly, I'm really depressed now. Disgusted by my own shallowness.

Thinking back about why I did that, was it revenge that I'm seeking? Unconsciously.
Lol. Because I'm that evil right?

&the pages keep turning.

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.

A good deed a day :)
It made me happy.
Thank God for giving me a chance.

Today's another awesome day. I love spending time with our class people. Haha. I guess I'm just desperate for friends now.. Thinking about weekdays, where I'm back in the office where I have no one to talk to.

Present was Cass, Emm, Jaime, Joshua, Martin, Pingy, Robert, Shameer, TY, me.

We had lunch at BBQChicken. Haha it's funny how I ordered Fish and Chips there -_- When it's a place supposedly famous for their chicken? Since the restaurant name has "chicken"? Lol. Yup, so ate and chat there.

Army stories will never end! Then Pingy shared with me tips for my upcoming interview. Wow, she was really helpful. I think she gave me really really good suggestions as to how I approach questions etc. I'm very thankful. I really need to make it for this interview. Seriously make or break me. Omg.

We headed over to Emm's condo's games room. I wonder why it's called games room when there's nothing to play. Haha! But 24/10 being 24/10 will of course find something to do out of nowhere :D They played with my violin for awhile, played a few rounds of werewolf and took pictures together. I especially love this one (Omg the quality here is really bad!! Must click on it to enlarge):

Like some casual family photo :)

Left about 5 plus as I had violin lessons, others book in or have other plans and Emm had to go for family dinner soon. So it was actually just a short mini outing.. And yay, Pingy so nice, took train with me to Hougang :D More tips for me. And we talked about A level results and all that.

I still wonder why I wasn't depressed. I think I SHOULD be depressed or at least feel something about bad results. Must be something wrong with my head. I remembered when our results were released, I could still go around smiling, talking to people and congratulating them when my results was shit like this. Wtf is wrong with me. I just couldn't bear to let my friends who did well mostly see any of my sad expression.. But okay, probably I was just trying to be positive.

Oh yes, I was late for violin lesson. LOL I have been late for a lottttt of times already. On one hand I feel bad, but on the other, I'm happy leh. BECAUSE I GET TO SKIP FINGER EXERCISES AND MAYBE SCALES & ARPEGGIOS!! Hahahahah. I hate all these very technical stuff!! Cuz I suck at them. I'm just trying to escape from all those that I'm not good at. Oops. I should face my fears more bravely right!! :x

On the bus ride home, I was looking through the photos that Joshua uploaded. I look damn unglam in many of them -_- But the photos were really nice :) Probably because it's taken by his damn good camera. lol I'm still like some nooooooob.

Anyways, I love the top that I wore today. LOL. I'm like some bimbo, who loves ribbon-ed stuff, like how Taylor Swift loves sparkles ._. Okay, bimbo is not an appropriate word to describe me cuz bimbo needs looks. But I'm not an ahlian laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. So what to call me? My shorts were damn short. I was bloody conscious about my fat legs the whole time. But there were no other shorts to match with that top lehh. And my top was a bit short :/ Then when I sat, it exposed my back/butt there. Argh. Damn embarrassing and I had to keep pulling up and holding my shorts. I should have worn a belt. Stooopid.

Then I just suddenly thought of how I love it when people praise me for how I look. I know I neither have an attractive look nor a pretty/cute face, but it makes me feel really nice inside when I hear things like "You look pretty today", "I like the way you dress today", "You look exceptionally good today" etc etc. Haha even if it's just "today", it makes me happy. Probably cuz I don't have any looks la, so I feel exceptionally happy when people praise me for my outer appearance :D Not like anybody did today, but just a sudden random thought! :)

Shall go to bed after this post. Nights :)

&the pages keep turning.