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I feel like God is playing with me. These days, the more I want something, the more it's taken away from me. These days, when I don't cry, I don't feel like I'm myself anymore. Shedding so much tears in the last 1-2 months and I can only wonder how much more tears will I be shedding from here on.

It took me awhile before the reality of me not going to Korea finally sink in. We planned for this trip since early Oct last year and now that it's here, I'm not able to go. Took my first PCR yesterday and it came back positive. Still had some hope that maybe who knows maybe, after one day my CT score will increase and I'll be tested negative, I went for an express PCR today and alas, I've got no luck with Korea.

I wonder if it's my karma. I wonder if it's because I make frivolous decisions about my life such as quitting my job to travel, to rest, while many do not even have a job and many are struggling to make ends meet.

The many things I've looked forward to this year they were disrupted by this cruel virus and the accompanying safe management measures. 

And the only thing that's certain about the future is its uncertainty. Please give me strength to overcome, to find peace. 

Since young, I dreamt of leaving this house. I dreamt of having financial independence from my used-to-be-toxic-but-not-so-now mum. I dreamt of my own freedom from the unreasonable shit the adults gave me. Now that I'm married and I am actually moving out, I thought I'll be happy, but I can't be.

I have lived 10 over years in this house at Aquarius which my parents and aunt shared to buy. I thought this was my home, but apparently not. In the end I am just a tenant in this house. I am unwelcomed, my closed ones are unwelcomed, my things are unwelcomed. Despite my parents having a share of the house, all decisions regarding the house is decided by my aunt. She says 1, and nobody dare say 2. Zhong Wei and I, we are moving into our 1-room flat in Apr and I couldn't possibly move everything over because the place is really small, compared to our BTO which will be ready in 3 years' time. I offered to box everything up nicely for things that I couldn't bring over, but my aunt fervently said 'NO. YOU HAVE TO FIND YOUR OWN WAY TO SETTLE THIS AND MOVE EVERYTHING OUT OR YOU THROW AWAY. I CANNOT LET YOU KEEP ANYTHING HERE FOR A FEW YEARS'. She said she wanted to renovate the entire room.

I am envious of Zhong Wei for having a loving family. His mum always tells him and his sisters that her house is their 避风港 and that they are welcomed to go back to mum's house any time. I am envious of friends who have supportive family. Now, here I am, being treated like a tenant of this house. As if I'm thrown out of my house just because I am married. Nobody talks about me being welcomed back to this home.

After our wedding, I continued to come home every day (my aunt expected me to be living with Zhong Wei because I'm already married and hence she couldn't understand why I was still going back to this Aquarius house every day). So the other day, my aunt spoke to me to tell me to communicate with her more, to update her of my plans and told me off that she was upset because she was confused how come I keep coming back to this house when I'm already married. In my head I'm like wtf? I can't even come back to my own house? And how do you expect me to openly communicate with you or anyone in the family when all of you are not open to negotiation and decides whatever fuck on your own and just shove it down my throat. 

I almost hate my family, tbh. I don't know how to love this family. I try so hard to, but I really can't. I think of positive things that goes on, even during my wedding speech, I try so hard to talk about happy things, things that I'm thankful for, but so many shit just happens in this fucking family and I hate why we can't be like other normal families. The 脸色 of my aunt and dad that I have to see, poor communication, self-centered, unwelcoming, rigid, secretive and everything unfamily-like.

Now I just feel like I'm a daughter being thrown out of the family. Unwanted, nuisance.