I AM DEVASTATED T.T

I was just told that I snore in my sleep.

For the last 21 years, I lived thinking that I have escaped from that snoring gene. My sister started snoring when she was about 7-8 years old and my whole family snores, including my extended family from my dad's side as well. I'm not so sure about my mum's side, but the point is, I DID GET THE SNORING GENE. OMGGGG.

Okay, I'm listening to JJ's songs now. His voice... omg so mesmerising. His songs makes me feel much better now. His live voice is ultra good! (Y) He sings slow songs so beautifully!

JJ!! :D

&the pages keep turning.

Time passed really fast today. Haha guess while one is enjoying, time always passes very quickly, unknowingly. Basically, I did many random things today. HAHA non-work related mostly :P

Woke up, bathed, ate breakfast and took a ~1.5hour nap after breakfast. HAHAHHA. Then I cooked my own cheesy creamy spicy pasta for lunch. I went on to do some online shopping for CNY clothes! ^^ Very excited for all the things that I ordered to arrive! Hope they fit. Then I watched a few anime episodes as well. Probably the last few that I'll watch this semester. And finally, after bathing and dinner-ing, I did my lab reading.

Looks like I've got to work harder tomorrow since I've wasted/spent my time enjoying myself for the most of today. Still have a bad bad bad habit of procrastinating. *knocks my own head*

Hope I'll be focused when I'm out doing work with a Han Ren, Lim Pin and Zuhair tomorrow! I cannot let that 6 hours go to waste!

*gathering all motivation from every source of life*

&the pages keep turning.

Looks like Week 4, 5, 8 is a little more peaceful for me? Anyway, this list is not even close to summarising my Y3S2. Haha I managed to organise some of the important dates that I gotta take note of, but these are not all T.T I've still got weekly assignments for my music gem (it started from last week, week 1 already have please), weekly assignments for 8 weeks for Thai 2 (which I think starts from week 4 onwards) and weekly assignments for the first 5 weeks for IP Lab (now till Week 5 I think). Haha my no-finals mod are driving me mad.

Suddenly I feel so scared to proceed with my semester. HAHAHAHA.

Jiayou to me and everyone out there who has a hellish semester!

#wecandothis #wewillgetoutofthis #strongerthanever

I'm gonna try to be consistent in my work this semester! Like reading my readings not at the very last minute before mid-terms/finals, but slowly reading bit by bit throughout the semester. I'm doing a good job so far! Let's hope that I won't be too distracted once Ni Yi comes back. Hahahahhaha :D

I think I'll be so proud of myself when this semester is done. Haha.

&the pages keep turning.

Haha can't believe I wrote this much for my personal musical history. Here it is!

Personal Musical History 

How do I even begin? 

I love ballads, I love country music, I love acoustic versions of songs and I love the acapella. I call these "softer" music as each song/piece probably only has one or very few instruments accompanying it. I guess why I come to love such genres might be because in the car, my family always plays Chinese oldies. And those that are being played are usually slow songs accompanied by the piano or guitar with some drums, very simple, very lovely. When I was about 7 years old, at that time I was staying with my cousin's family. My cousin was 2 years older than me and was someone I looked up to. So I followed after my cousin and learnt piano too. However I was forced to stop lessons after a year as my parents said it was expensive and they did not really see the point in learning an instrument. But that was when I started to have interest in musical instruments. Then, when it was time to choose a CCA at school, my cousin was in the choir and hence I felt inspired to join the Choir too. I guess my love for acapella sparked off from my experience in the choir! 

As I grew older, some of my peers started picking up various instruments such as the guitar and violin. I always think that it's really cool how people can make such great music with just one instrument! In secondary school, I watched performances by my school's strings ensemble and I was fascinated by how their fingers can move so fast and how the pieces that they played always sound so good! That's when I felt like I really really really wanted to pick up the violin. Just on some random day after school, I decided to buy a violin and I signed up for lessons too, at that time without my parents knowledge (haha). Even though I started learning the violin pretty late, at 16, I'm glad I started it and it has exposed me to many beautiful classical pieces. Yup, so I'm still learning the violin until now and I enjoy playing the instrument very much! The odd thing is, even though I'm currently learning an orchestral instrument, I don't like orchestra music as much as violin solos. I guess it's because an orchestra has many instruments and I generally prefer music with fewer instruments. 

When I was in junior college, I also picked up guitar on my own because I like acoustic songs. At that time I couldn't afford to buy a guitar on my own, so I borrowed a guitar from a friend who owns one but did not have time to play it. My friends from my school's guitar club taught me a few chords here and there! I feel so happy when I can strum a few chords and sing to it! So occasionally, I'd take out the guitar to play some random songs. 

Playing the violin and guitar brings me so much joy! I can spend hours on them, sometimes even neglecting what's more important at that moment :/ I'm still an amateur though, but I will definitely continue to get better!

&the pages keep turning.

&the pages keep turning.

Maybe I've been too affected by her story.
That I myself too, have started to think.

I thought and thought. I've started to lose some confidence.

We didn't dare to think about what's ahead of us, instead, we like to let nature takes its course. But without the end goal in mind, how will this journey lead us to where we want to go? Maybe not we, but I. And I alone.

&the pages keep turning.

WOOHOOO!!! Off to Dagu's place in awhile!

Rejoice rejoice~

Such a bad habit though. That I always seek refuge there.

&the pages keep turning.

Today I just feel like... I'm sick of all social interactions.

Sick of having to talk to people, sick of being attached, sick of having emotional dependency, sick of waiting, sick of having negative thoughts, sick of.......

I wish I was in some isolated world now. Thinking of nothing else but being able to focus on what I want to do, perhaps reading, perhaps watching my favourite shows, perhaps finding some new hobby... whatever.

I don't know why I'm out now though. Meeting friends late at night.

&the pages keep turning.

Woke up to nanny shouting at me at 8.40am.

"What time already?! Everyone is up by this time already. You really like cow, too good life, sleep until late." She said a string of words along those lines.

Which made me feel sad that:

1) I'm not allowed to stay in hostel. My mum at least talked to me nicely about it but my dad, he just doesn't bother trying, which I'm pretty upset about. I'm also feeling sad because I just want to have the freedom of choice as to what time I wake up and not be controlled by some old hag who acts like a boss at home. Of course staying in hostel comes with many other benefits... Like the convenience, being able to get out of this home, being more focused in whatever I do because I don't need to see the old hag or let her control the other areas of my life.

Now that I mention this, I feel like a puppet. Playing right into her traps.
How stupid of me. And miserable. But I don't know how to get out of it, other than to grow up.

2) I can't even sleep a little more? I'm still quite tired and burned out from the OCSP. Have been out everyday ever since we were back on Friday. I was sick and my medications are drowsy also. Okay la, at least I'm getting better already. Just left with a little bit of runny nose.

Then I talked to Ni Yi over hostel issues and he was pretty indecisive about it initially and I thought he didn't want the room hence I asked friends if anyone was interested in taking it up. Chings took a while to consider and he said no in the end. And then just yesterday Regi also took some time to consider and she said a half-yes to me, but will confirm with me this morning.

So now that NY wants the room, I felt bad to Regi that she was almost gonna say yes to my room but in the end I told her that my bf wants it... Like promising that I will give something and taking it back. Sigh.

NY's lack of data because he's travelling is also making me feel a bit sour because we haven't really talked every since I went Laos over the December break. So I just feel an overwhelming lack of communications, leading to the miscomm over my room and whatever.

It's all so dumb. Argh. I don't know why I have to start my morning like that. Filled with so much negativity and angst and all. How am I to improve my temper?!

Yesterday night, I met up with Carol, Chings and Sarah to have some Singaporean food at Old Airport Road. It was a nice get together and catch up session because I haven't seen them, except Chings in agessssssssss. We talked about CAPT, only Carol is staying and she already feels weird when she checked into her room - the familiar environment yet the unfamiliar people/feeling. But I think Carol will do just fine. We also talked about Exchange experiences, OCSP experiences, being excited about the new semester etc!

I'm honestly pretty excited about the new semester!

2 days ago on 6 Jan, I was at USS with my primary school peeps! I always love hanging out with them! Unfortunately it started raining during mid-afternoon so we didn't get to sit quite a number of rides. Well, the company is all that matters!



We'll always reminisce about the stupid things we did back in primary school. HAHA brings back memories :) And... They're the only bunch of people who can disturb me to no ends, which nobody does anymore. Hahahahaha.

&the pages keep turning.

Feeling quite upset now. I better control my tears before I start bawling my eyes out.

So anyway, I'm not allowed to stay in hostel. Despite getting a place in RVR, paid for acceptance fee and everything already (Ni Yi did them for me because I was in Laos when the application status got released etc.) But that's not the worst part. My dad made it worse.

My mum told me I'm not allowed to stay because there'll be no one at home. A somewhat valid reason, but in my first two years, everything was okay without me you see. So I wanted to give it another shot in convincing my parents. She also told me that my dad don't allow and asked me to ask my dad directly. So today I called to ask my dad.

All he said was, "It's better that you don't stay," and then I asked why and attempted at explaining that it's hard to focus at home with Ahyi. He didn't even finish hearing my explanation.

He ended the call.

Just like that. It's rude. He's not even trying to communicate with me.

It always feels like I'm the only one trying to communicate. But it takes two hands to clap.

Tell me what I'm supposed to do... Nobody even bothers listening to me.


Today concludes the main bulk of Hak'14. Pre and post-trip CSP and the overseas CSP itself, done. I love my interaction with the kids today. They remind me of the P1 kids that our group taught :) Hope that their experiences during the overseas trip has helped improve the interaction that they have with the kids in the kindergarten/nursery.

Had a mini debrief after the CSP and then we started filling people's jars with messages. Each of us were to prepare a short note with a piece of advice/message/quote the day before. I opened those messages not too long ago and I feel really touched reading them.

Definitely a jar that I'll open again when I lose hope, confidence, courage, strength or just need some motivation. Hope everyone is inspired when they read what they received as well!

After that, lunch-ed and quite a lot of us went to sing K. Singing K is always fun! But sigh, I always wish my voice were nicer or have more powerful vocals. Still fun singing-a-long nonetheless! It has been a pretty eventful day!

&the pages keep turning.

Hello everybody!
Happy 2015! :)

Great to be back in Singapore. Lots of drama right before Hak trip and many more during the trip itself. Honestly I was a bit drained out at the end, which probably explains my getting-worse-day-by-day mood plus the falling sick. Unnecessary stress to oneself.  But still, I couldn't bear to part with Mehsir and her family, the kids at the Hin Heub and the environment/weather in Laos. I love it so much there.

I'll definitely be back, if there's a Hak'15 :)

Anyway, it's not that cold this year. Almost nothing compared to last year's crazy weather. Haha.

I'm not gonna blog about the whole of my Hak journey, cuz it's gonna be way too long. I wrote it in a separate document. If I can attach it on blog posts somehow, maybe I would upload it some time!

Some after-thoughts:
There's a huge difference being a member and leader. I think I was pretty carefree last year. And this year, I felt that I couldn't be. Some told me that I am pretty anal about the little things and that because of that, I'd miss out on enjoying the process. On hindsight, maybe, maybe I've really missed out on some things.

Something that I did which was better this year was that I interacted a lot more with the village/school kids and I talked a lot more to Mehsir and her family and to other villagers. I think my Thai 1 knowledge helped me tremendously!

On the side note, I'm gonna take Thai 2 next sem! ^^ Wish me luck!

Anyway, it's a new year! I have two new year resolutions, one old and one new.

1) Be firm when I need to be
2) Be less hot tempered

I think being firm is something that I've been improving on every year. I can see myself becoming more firm each year! So it's good. As for my second new year resolution, it's really something that I need to work on. My temper has become really bad since about 1-2 years ago. I angst very easily because I'm anal about little things.

Maybe I should first fix my expectations.

&the pages keep turning.