I'm feeling ultimately bored now.
I don't feel like starting on English yet.
And I'm waiting for Joel to be back with stuff so that can start preparing lunch for Charmaine, him and me! Hahahha. Hope it'll turn out good ._. Haven't tried cooking egg noodles before though.

From a Buddhist perspective, suffering is caused by desire and aversion. Thus the attitude we are cultivating in meditation, the path to freedom from suffering, is one of acceptance and non-attachment

Don't know why recently negative thoughts start to come back. A lot of things happened in the past week but I always hesitate to talk about it or share my joy, thinking that my friend would perhaps not be interested, or have other friends, or have other things to do, or would just say the same thing to me again.
Then I feel like I have no hardcore motivation in life. And I lay on Wen Yi's bed one night for a short moment, just thinking "no motivation no motivation no motivation." Lol I don't even see the point in me doing that, but I did.

When was the last time I said I missed you? 
A long long time ago, but I think I really do all the time.

&the pages keep turning.

It's quite odd.
I feel kinda claustrophobic recently when I close my doors. So now as long as I'm in my room, I would always leave my doors opened. Well, of course except when I'm asleep at night.

Quite a boring day today. My lesson hasn't started cuz my first and last lesson for today will be at 4pm later. And then, it'll be the start of Recess Week.

A lot of thoughts in my head for the past 3 days. I couldn't feel that happy even though Cognitive Psy test ended on Wednesday. Somewhat low energy, but I'm not really emo-ing though. Haha.

Then seeing my roses and flowers die off one by one.. *cries* As I tweeted before, I think I could have a rose bath soon with all the petals falling. Lol. Eh, I wish I had a bathtub. Then have some milky rose bath :D It's also my first time seeing the stigma/anther etc of a rose! Very pretty!


I'm bored. Haha. Savouring Alisan bubble tea now~

&the pages keep turning.

Hello! Finally get to blog after a week of some busy-ness.
I wasn't that that that busy, but I guess it was because of Cognitive Psy test which made me a little hesitant about blogging because yea, I shouldn't be blogging. Hahaha.

Glad that the test is over. Quite a tough CA though, but hope I'll do fine, even though I probably know I don't deserve anything good at this point in time.

On Tuesday, Wen Yi and I visited a Family Support Centre, which was a required for our Social Work module. It was an eye opener for me because it allowed me to understand what these organisations do and I was really inspired by how the social worker is passionate about what she does and wants to continue to help others.

Then yesterday night, we had Hidden Comms class which was conducted by an external organisation - Trans Safe, who came to talk to us about elderly abuse. One of the social workers said, "As social workers, we believe that it is 100% within the control of the perpetrator (to choose to abuse or not to)." And hence, there's no such thing as anyone having deserved to be abused no matter what nasty things that person has done. There were people who disagreed with this but for me, I couldn't agree more. I think almost everything is under our control - our anger, our actions, our response... and blaming it on something or someone else just shows how nasty one's character is.

And I hate that side of me when I do that occasionally.
Seldom, but I still do it at times out of impulse.
I'm nasty.

Then when others blamed it on their circumstances, it sometimes irks me to see how they are also a reflection of that irksome part of me, but at the same time, I want to understand them. And if something similar happens again, I would be understanding and I will not show anger, thinking about the things they have been through to make them who they are.

After that, went for a run with Alvis, Dolly and Wen Yi! Haha we always run quite little but it's totally enough for me man ._. I honestly still hate running. But hmmmm, I'm kinda unhealthy :/ After we ran a bit, we sat down near Khaya and just learnt about other training methods (like crunches and some other stuff) from Alvis to train our abs (Hahahaha). Then we talked a lot of other nonsense. Haha Alvis is like our new friend, so there were a lot of random things to talk about.

Today, I was out alone from late morning to mid afternoon, buying lots of things, ranging from friend's birthday's presents to my own cleaning stuff for my room. Feel satisfied with all the things that I bought but ahhh, spent so much!

At night, it was Neighbourhood Shield! Esmond did a really great job in planning the whole NBS. I was just there to help take photos and facilitate the games a little.


For the past few days, I didn't help much with the committee to do the logistics for NBS. I felt quite irresponsible, but at the same time, I really wanted to study for Cognitive Psy test. Kai Ying is really noble. She's a very busy person, she also has deadlines to keep up, tests coming up, interviews coming up etc, yet she still helps Esmond with the logistics. Every time in the Whatsapp convo, she'll ask if anyone can help and everyone of us says we have presentation, assignments etc and hence cannot help.

I don't know if it's because of my experience with it last semester. I too tried to be a hero and help out quite a fair bit with the comm stuff, while some others gave reasons about having assignments/tests/deadlines etc, and the few of us who helped were just left being unappreciated and feeling tired. And for this semester, I totally didn't want to be that hero, and just said no to everything that comes my way, unless I find the absolute free time to do it. It's the same for SF. I haven't participated as much as the rest.

Not sure if it's really irresponsible of me, or I'm making the right decision to say no and do what's more important. Because my decision will cause others to do more work and deprive them of their rest.

&the pages keep turning.

Happy belated Valentine's Day! :)
I had a simple day yesterday.
Morning and afternoon was okay, but I felt a little down at night.

The day started off with a make up tutorial because we missed one session during CNY. And sigh, it was an 8am lesson. It's my first time going for 8am lesson. Lol I only slept 4 hours plus the night before so I was kinda zombie-fied. And the worst part was, I went to the wrong classroom.. Haha and I didn't realise it, until about 5minutes later when I found it weird that there were no students and tutor in the class. Okay, I know I'm a bit slow. It must be the 8am. HAHA.

After lesson, I came back to my room to nap a little. I couldn't really sleep, but yea, just laid in bed, trying to close my eyes and make me go to sleep. Then, it was time for a meeting! Had to meet James to discuss our goal setting thingy. But it's quite mysterious how when I'm at YIH meeting another SF member, the other SF members seem to be gathering at that place too, at the same time :D It's quite cool.

Then I met Chings to go Vivo and Clementi with the intention of looking for presents to get for our kids for CIP. I don't really know how to phrase this better. Lol. Haha but we ended up buying our own stuff and I bought flowers for some people on our level! We walked for a long long long time until we were really tired. But still had to go Clementi to buy flowers cuz the ones in Vivo were either not real, or too expensive. Thanks Chings for accompanying all the way!

I think Valentine's Day can be a fun occasion when one is spontaneous. One may not believe in the idea of being especially sweet and lovey dovey and whatnot on this day, but for me, I think it's the joy of giving perhaps, and celebrating relationships fostered :) So when we came back, I wrote little notes and stuck flowers on people's doors. Took quite a bit of time but it was worthwhile. Not like I'm gonna study anyway. Haha!

2 days ago, I received a red rose from my angel/mortal (whatever he is called since it's the same person >:)) and I was really touched and excited because it's the first time receiving a rose from a guy on Vday. Haha! I was super happy! And then when I came back to my room, I saw another rose ranging on my door handle and it was from Abi and Carol. These gurls are so sweet! :D
Anyway, I felt like I needed to give something back to my angel/mortal. I was in quite a dilemma on what I should give at first.. But as we were shopping and we didn't see anything really special other than flowers, then yup, decided to go with the idea of buying flowers. I wanted to get a blue rose, but we didn't see any around D: Then Chings helped me thought of a poem! HAHA. And it goes like this:

Roses are red
They can also be blue
The ones in yellow
Are meant for you

HAHAHAHHAHA.

Yup, so I bought a yellow rose for my angel/mortal!

Red Rose: Love, Beauty, Courage and Respect, Romantic Love, Congratulations, "I Love You", "Job Well Done", Sincere Love, Respect, Courage & Passion

Yellow Rose: Joy, Gladness, Friendship, Delight, Promise of a new beginning, Welcome Back, Remember Me, Jealousy, "I care"

The funny thing was, I wanted to go to his floor and stick it on his door. But OMG. His door was ajar and he was inside his room. I immediately went up again and told my other floormates to help me give it to him. Lol but in the end I was forced by Charmaine, Kal and Keren to give it myself. Haha. I was damn shy and awkz man..!!

So I went to his room (while the 3 girls were sniggering and watching at the lift area) and he kinda heard my footsteps and turned to the door when I pop-ed my head in. Lol wts.

Me: ... Hel...lo *awkward eyes*
Him: *quickly stands up from seat and comes to the door*
Me: Uhm, this is for you. *Hands over the rose and card*
Him: Thank you thank you! How did you spend your valentine's?
Me: I went out to buy flowers..
Him: *Stares at his own rose* Eh thank you thank you!
Me: Uhh.. It's okay.
Him: I'm so sorry, I'm really very busy with work this week.
Me: Uhh evermind nevermind.
Him: Uhm, maybe next week... We can... Have dinner downstairs together?
Me: Mmm, ouuuwwwkay.
Him: Really sorry I have to rush with a project.
Me: It's okay! Jiayou! *makes a "yes!" hand gesture*

And I scrambled off in a poof!
Haha then Charmaine was saying my face was red and they were disturbing me for awhile at his floor's lobby. It was crazy. Omgggg. I was so flustered. I remembered saying a lot of Uhm, Uhh and whatever fillers because it's awkward talking to someone you don't really know! :/ He's a really busy guy and I think he might be apologising for not "revealing" himself to me? (because Vday was supposed to be the revelation for our angel/mortal)

Haha Abi has become the cupid. She always says that she really matched the angel/mortal thingy based on compatibility. Like she and her comm people really stalked FB and stuff and they make judgement about who should be who's partner. Haha it was quite funny.

I doubt we would really go and eat or what cuz he's busy and we honestly don't know each other. It'll be weird. Haha but it's the thought that counts and I think the whole process of this vday angel/mortal thingy was a fun experience.

I see what the other angel/mortal do and some were really funny, like they put up troll posters etc. And there were some which are sweet. Haha one of the guys actually did this "99 reasons to be with you" cards and he stuck it on the walls of the 1st floor lift lobby, his own floor and the girl's floor and it was a trail-like thing. So each card will be numbered 1-99 and the girl is supposed to read all the 99 reasons as she follows the trail. It was really sweet! Hahahha fun to see what others did! :D

Haha then Charmaine and Kal spread their emo-ness to me! So the 3 of us went to Sapore just downstairs to drink a bit. I felt like drinking too. But after I ordered the drink, I didn't like it ._. But oh well, buy already, so I took quite a while to finish up. And we just chatted and htht-ed! Then there was this creepy guy, probably tipsy, he came to sit beside Charmaine and started saying things like "I like this girl" and tried to strike a conversation with us when Kal was away for awhile. Like wtf? We tried to chase him away but he was like insistent of sitting on that seat and it made Charmaine pissed off. And I just looked at my phone and ignored him. Spoilt our conversation man.

After about an hour or so, we just came back to our lounge and chilled a bit! And end of my vday~

A pretty simple fully-packed day. Haha :)

Oh by the way, I'm growing my flowers in my room! Haha I still have some extra flowers plus the two roses I received so I put it in my room, in a "vase" and I'm gonna watch it grow. Haha this morning, one of the buds just bloomed. Felt so happy!

Some rants for today: Talking to Charmaine and Kal made me see relationships with the opposite gender in a different perspective. Maybe I should stop giving myself a time limit and not force myself to do something that I don't want to. I should just chill, take things easy, let nature takes its course, even when anything bad comes the way, I could just take it as part and parcel of life to feel sad and that that should not be the reason to make me give up. Yup, feeling sad should not be the reason to give up on anything. Because there's nothing called a wasted affection.

Dylan is right.
"Talk not of wasted affection, love and affection never was wasted."

My doors are opened by the way ^^

Happy total defence day! Haha.

&the pages keep turning.

Omg. NUS Confessions are so funny to read.

"To all my female friends, I feel really sorry for unintended-but-intuitively take a short glance at your chest sometimes. I am not a hungry ghost, I am an attached virgin."

"When I really like a guy, I actually become less talkative, and end up seeming very introverted. Completely different from how I am with my girlfriends. It's because I spend too much time thinking about what to say, and not wanting to make a fool out of myself in front of the guy. I'd really like to change this, but I dunno how to D: How to pluck up the courage to talk to the guy instead of just worrying over what to say to him at all?"

"May I now make a case for tall girls? It seems like generally guys like to go for short, petite girls. The thing is, shorter guys usually don't go for tall girls, and even tall guys are attracted to short girls. I really do hope guys will view tall girls for who they are and not their height. From, a girl of height 170cm."

"I confess to considering using black magic to make my crush fall in love with me but didn't because the procedure sounded too sinister and I was afraid that a ghost would appear in front of me in the process."

"I wanna find my own cute pgp guy on a bicycle;("

"Oh, how great 9 out of 10 students in NUS believe condoms should be sold on campus. For secularists like us, having no sex is like removing the oxygen for us to breathe. We are not against pre-marital sex. We are FOR pre-marital sex."

LOL SERIOUSLY. The kind of things people wanna tell others about. Haha.

&the pages keep turning.

Haha. I just finished watching 7th Grade Civil Servant up to the latest episode i.e episode 6 and it says that we must be cautious of guys with double eye-lids, because they have the tendency to be playboys. Ahh, I see the parallel to a certain someone. Haha.

I wonder what it means for girls without double eye-lid.

Cheers.

&the pages keep turning.

Done with CNY visiting!
Only visited two houses this CNY. Most of my relatives gather there. Haha some of them didn't come, so a little less angbao this year :x Plus I didn't go to two other houses, which my uncle and aunts go to sometimes, so yup, once again, a little less angbao this year :x Hahahha.

This year, we didn't gamble. Haha the adults were tired, so we didn't stay too long at the houses.

But anyway, I really like it when we all gather for an occasion, be it CNY or birthdays or whatever. Feels nice to come together and chit chat! I like the idea of having close-knitted relationship with our family. Perhaps, it's because I don't have such a warm family and hence I yearn for the kind of company from my friends.. Hope you guys out there will appreciate the closeness you have with your family! I'm jealous here. Haha.

My mum couldn't come this time.. She had leg pain and have difficulties walking :( I miss my mum's mee sua, I miss going out with my mum (Yes, she will pay for things and that's what I'm happy about, but I honestly treasure the time I get with my mum because how often do I actually see her? Or hang out with her? Twice or thrice a year?) Even though I'm not a very family person, but I appreciate all the little time I have with them. I like it especially when the four of us, my mum, dad, sis and me go out together. Yup, really, how often do we get to do that? Sometimes even once a year only. So I was a bit sad that my mum couldn't make it here.. But well, I pray that my mum will get well real soon.

With just my dad here, he won't really bring us out la. Hmm.

Looking forward to Tuesday now ^^

&the pages keep turning.

Yay! I received something from my angel last night!


It was a really nice long note :) Haha I found the sweetest part to be the apples.

"Anyway your angel me, is financially poor! So I do not have much to offer, except wisdom and company. But I bought apples for you, because I do not want you to fall sick and not being able to enjoy Vday. 4 apples, one for each day during the CNY. Hope you like apples!"

I was super happy to receive something after a week of nothing T.T I was so excited that when I saw a plastic bag outside my door from afar, I quickly ran to my door, opened my room and found notes on the floor. And then there was a poem song stuck on our notice board near the lift. Haha. And it's the song that I liked previously too! Made my yesterday. Thank you ♥ 

Before that, I was out with Daphne and Ni Yi to get soap stuff at Orchard Central. We then went to melt the soap base etc and moulded our own soap! It's cute! ^^ At first we microwaved the soap with metal bowl, which didn't work. And when we used plastic (even though it says mircowave-safe), it ended up getting burned and the whole baking room was filled with this toxic smell. Lol we the geniuses. Haha. But it was fun!


Then Ni Yi came to my room to take his mortal's letter after supper. He showed Daphne and me what he wrote to his mortal and her replies too. Omg the cheesiness of the content between both of them's conversation -_- and Ni Yi was being sick and disgusting. HAHAHA. And he ended up staying till 2plus playing my guitar. I was really surprised when he played the guitar because I never knew that he could..!! Omg, I still cringe at the thought of him writing sick and disgusting things. Hahahahah. And he claims that "guys are like that."

Lol.


And this made my today after I took it down to read it. Thank you Wenz! ♥

xoxo.

&the pages keep turning.

Just finished doing stuff for my peanut butter a.k.a valentine partner a.k.a mortal.


Stuck these on his door together with some other food stuff too. Idea from Emm's prezzie. Sigh. It's generally quite weird to do cheesy stuff for a person you don't really know. Oh well, but it's for Valentine's day and I was the one who wanted to join in this game of Angel & Mortal. Hope he responds though. AND WHERE IS MY ANGEL? :( Neh write to me. I v sad. Haha..

On my way back from NTUC, I was thinking... Would I want to meet a guy who's exactly like me? I would know his insecurities like I know mine. I would know what he likes and dislikes like I know mine. I would know his emotions like I know mine.

Insecurities are something that I have been working on a lot for the past year. I think I'm much better at believing in people a little more now and I feel that I shouldn't be thinking too much about insecurities. Because it doesn't help at all. It only makes you feel disappointed, sad and fearful.

People seem to be less interested in what I'm saying from their short/no response compared to how I try to show interest. Am I doing too much to be interested? I think the thought of me wanting attention by getting people to hear me is a selfish thought. And I wonder why humans are such selfish creatures.

Oh anyway, yesterday I had cool project work meeting. Haha which was to come together, to read news paper together :P Yup for the 2 hours we were there, we just read newspapers and then discussed a bit on the topic that we wanna choose.

Then met Joshua to shop a bit and have tea at Antoinette at Mandarin Gallery. LOL, we had too much sugar in that meal (cuz of the cakes/macaroons/meringue) and it kinda freaked both of us out. Haha. But it was a really pretty and cosy place! Then we caught Zero Dark Thirty at Vivo. I think not bad. There was a bit of suspense towards the end of the show cuz of the killings (spoiler alert) and so I was quite scared and covered my ears a lot :/ (noob I know don't judge me..!!) Then had dinner and parted wayz.

I missed the whole of our level steamboat last night but I was just in time to catch Ah Boys to Men! :D Funny movie!! But it ended abruptly. I WANNA WATCH THE PART TWOOOO PLEASE ANYBODY (Bystander effect and no one will respond to this thinking that another person might want to watch) Haha.

Life.

&the pages keep turning.

Recently, I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport as the daughter’s departure had been announced. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said: “I love you and I wish you enough.”

The daughter replied, “Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom.” They kissed and the daughter left.

The mother walked over to the window where I sat. Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, “Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?” “Yes, I have,” I replied. “Forgive me for asking but why is this a forever good-bye?”

“I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is the next trip back will be for my funeral,” she said. When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, “I wish you enough.” May I ask what that means?”

She began to smile. “That’s a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.” She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more.

“When we said ‘I wish you enough’ we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them”. Then turning toward me, she shared the following, reciting it from memory,

“I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.”
She then began to cry and walked away.

Nurture Relationships…..As they say….It takes a minute to find a special person ~ An hour to appreciate them ~ A day to love them ~ And then an entire life to forget them.

&the pages keep turning.

I think at the moment, I'm just paranoid.
Paranoid at being busy. Now I understand what it means to "have a choice at choosing to feel stressed out." What Yuan Ting said was right. I had the choice to deal with my emotions. But I chose to be paranoid. And what Wen Yi said was right, "Don't keep saying that you're busy." I guess it's because it doesn't help at all. And I'll just continue to be paranoid if I keep telling myself that.

I am not busy. I just have a little more things to do than usual. Hah.

I think I'm just taking everything too seriously right now. And that's why I'm so reactive.
I need to take things less personally. Understand people better, understand their situations better. Anyway I feel a little more relaxed now because I settled some admin work in the morning and I'm off to do reflections for a Master's Tea that I attended last night after this.

&the pages keep turning.

I think I'm in a really bad mood recently. I haven't been controlling my emotions well. I've been getting pissed off rather easily. Not just pissed off, but very very pissed off. I don't know why I'm so reactive recently..

#5 Seek First To Understand, Then Be Understood

OBS Camp was a chillax one because I went there as a facilitator. Haha we didn't need to do much since there were already OBS instructors there. I got to do jetty jump! And I'm really happy! Haha. Swimming in the sea can be quite fun too. Didn't get to do row boating or high elements, but it was all okay.



James and I had to conduct morning games and I am so thankful that he was there to support me. The 2nd morning I felt like crap and couldn't really get into the high mode and he was there, calm and steady and enthusiastic. Really thankful.



Made lots of new friends, not sure how long they'll last, but I shall not discount any possibility of them being my good friends in the future.

Then yesterday morning was a pretty good morning. Presentation went well, tutorials went well, almost everything went well. And for the first time I actually spoke in class. Like give the teacher an answer which is so so so so rare. It was on a topic that I was a little more familiar with, so I was a bit more daring to speak up.

Projects are starting to kick in. So far I think all my group mates are nice!

At night, went to celebrate Joshua's birthday with Jerrie, Cass and Emm. That stupidboi.com was being angst as usual so I got really pissed off and was mean to him afterwards. Lol.

What I felt really bad for was that I was angry with Jerrie. Angry that she didn't inform us that she'll be late etc and just left us waiting. I felt really bad because I didn't try understanding her situation..

I didn't feel bad for being pissed off with Joshua though. Because he deserves it. I think it's quite sad how your friends are eager to celebrate your birthday with you, and yet you can't appreciate it initially and keep saying 'I'm tired', 'I want to go home.' I felt quite disappointed that people can be this unenthusiastic.

I was angry with Jerrie partly because I couldn't tahan Joshua Chan's angst. I wished that she would come real soon but she ended up arriving pretty late. Then Emm and Cass came and yay! Everything was better again.

Birthdays can be such a disappointment.

This morning, my morning was destroyed because I received a message from a committee member to do something. I abhor last minute stuff. Abhor. There were two weeks to plan ahead, but nothing was done and I didn't ask because I thought things were going smoothly and suddenly I received a message to do last minute things. I am busy. Everyone is busy. The key is to settle it early. This inefficiency is something that I really can't stand. I just want a day where I can get away from every single shit in this life. Drink tea in my room, reflect on life and cry to sleep.

Okay, self control. I need to get a grip of my emotions.
Argh, I really hate how I'm so reactive.

Then while we were at Wen Yi's room for awhile just now, Keren asked if I was busy recently cuz I looked really tired. Might be from the blood donation though. I lost a lot of colours on my face. Oh well, I still feel happy for donating blood! :)


Met Martin and TY just now. We were supposed to donate blood together but they were not allowed to because of some medical reasons :( sad. I had to do it alone. We then had lunch at food court and chatted quite a bit there, went to Cold Storage and Daiso before we all parted ways. I haven't seen them in a long while.. Haha. Good to catch up with friends again.

Nights!

&the pages keep turning.