Yohoho, went for lunch with Jerrie today and she asked me if I want to be a professional photographer. Lol at first I just think think think about it, but now I realise, after looking at so many pictures of our company's event's photos for our annual report, I don't think I can man..

And I remember those many occasions when I always miss that timing to take a good shot. Always. LOL all in a moment like this? I doubt I can capture that moment. I tend to miss the perfect opportunity, and then when I wait for another, it never comes. Lol how to go pro liddat huh? Hahah.

But still, I hope I'll have lots of fun with the dslr that I'm gonna get :D

&the pages keep turning.

Omg, I'm really sleepy now.

I like the environment at Serenity and I feel bad for quitting earlier. But every morning, I'll be zombie-fied when I'm in the office -_- Tuesday at Serenity was really slack, and it's like everyone becomes crazy. Cuz we're all too bored. HAHA. Or maybe I'm the only one who went mad ._. Oh no, Jesse went mad also. He and his nonsense, "Hola! How are you?", *plays with fire* etc. Then one of our manager shook our hands like crazy when he could go home at 10pm. Lol.

Yesterday, there was a funny conversation.

In the kitchen,
Me to Siti: It's very nice! *referring to the drink*
Manager: I know I am, thank you. *thick skin*
Me: You're most welcome.
Manager: I'll graciously accept it. *Then packs away a birthday cake box*
Melissa (came into the kitchen): Last week was my birthday and you didn't celebrate for me.
Manager: You never tell me? I give you f***.
Melissa: Okay, let's go tomorrow.

LOL.

I also started reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and I wonder if I have the ability to attract people. As in not in the romantic way, but attract people to talk to me? Idk. A friend once told me that I have this ability and I was very surprised. I'm pretty much the outgoing type, but I'm not sure about being able to attract people to me. Lolol. But I hope that's true anyway. Hah.

Anyway, I really dislike people with mood swing!! Having bad temper is one thing, but having mood swing is another and it really turns me off. Both at Serenity and office, I have bosses who have mood swings. Like wtf. Makes me dislike the person sometimes and it spoils my mood.

&the pages keep turning.

How time flies, it's been 2 years since it was over,
it's been more than half a year since I got over every single tinge of those hopeful emotions.

And now we're just talking normally.

Goodness how we've all moved on! :D

Time is really magical <3

&the pages keep turning.

Title: Let me out first

Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am

Just came back from lunchie with Emm.
HAHA OUR 2 HOURS LUNCH ._. (again, as always)
Had shabu shabu at Sho Teppan! Damn full now. And she's another girl whom I can talk rubbish to all the time. Looking forward to all the other lunches I'm gonna have with my fwenz :)

Well, I enjoy lunches with my supervisor also, but no two hours. HAHAH. And sometimes she has plans with her other friends, so I eat lunch alone during those times.

Anyway, as I was walking back from City Hall, I felt like..
I stop having that much desires with this person. Probably from all the discomfort and it's a good sign! Because desires suck right. Heh. I also felt like that sense of attachment is lost. No matter how much I hear about the concern that you tried to show (even without me knowing), I realise that my heart wasn't moved. That sense of attachment, I'm not confident that it can come from me again. I'm sorry..

I miss that person, carefree, nonsensical and anything not me.
When you are just opposite from the everything that I am.

I think time is magical, it heals souls. When one gets used to things in the long run, everything becomes normal and fine.

Simply fine :)

Cheers~!

&the pages keep turning.

Title: Stay who you are

Yesterday, I met my lover to go for Food Expo! :D We meet for 3 days consecutively. She must be bored of me already. Hahahah. It was super crowdeddd there at first. We got to taste free stuff :P Then the night still wasn't late enough when we're done with it, so we went for John Little sales! Feel like an auntie, keep looking out for sales. GSS rocks for once. LOL anyway when I went alone on Saturday, I couldn't find anything to buy, then yesterday, suddenly I found many things ._. So ya. Spent money again -_- But I'm satisfied! :D

New abbreviation: Idk, Ichy. HAHA :D

This morning on the way to work, felt lots of discomfort.
Like I just feel like being impulsive, but there's always this stupid brain of mine which will come out with reasoning and analysis to make me not be impulsive. Damn. Can't I be more natural?

I was looking at our class photos yesterday afternoon (when I was slacking lol) and heh, they just make me smile. Those nice little memories, people making funny faces, scandals, outings etc. Haha may our friendship last :) *cross fingers*


Haha classic :D

&the pages keep turning.

Title: The pretty words

Last night, I had dinner with my lover at Serenity. Haha it was quite weird for my colleagues to serve me ._. It's the first time I ate Spanish food! Food was good and I'm glad that she like it too! I'm not 100% sure if it's worth it, but really, seafood was UBER FRESH.

I have never eaten mussels before. But it was damn good.
Prawns were sweet, sotong was easy to bite. Whoa perfect la even though I usually don't like seafood.

Ordered 2 cocktails. She had Pinacolada while I took Guantanamera :D
I can feel my face turn red after awhile but no drunk la. Hahaha.

Then we took a super long bus ride home. I was kinda active, so I kept talking while she felt sleepy. LOL I'm so noisy!! HAHAHAHA.

But yup, sense of attachment is felt :)

Just awhile ago, I came back from lunch with Jerrie.
Hehe, can always talk rubbish to this girl. Anyway, I feel much better saying and asking what I needed to. Now I can be more determined :) But as usual la, got over emotional over talking about it like those tears were gonna fall. Haha time to do something about these emotions of mine..!

I guess, acquaintances might not be a bad idea.
Because there's no pressure :)

And people move on. Yup, it's fine like that even in the future. My perception caused me to feel this way, so I must be the one who bears the consequences. It's like how we all won't get used to losing someone initially, but after awhile, we all just move on, again.

Cheers~!

&the pages keep turning.

Sometimes I don't know what I'm upset about.

It's like an addiction.

Addiction to find my identity through sadness.

Like I'll grab hold onto something that's not there and feel sad about it, when all I need to do is to throw it out of the picture and I know I won't have to feel sad anymore, but I just refuse to do it. Why? Why am I unconsciously searching for myself or retaining my identity this way?

Damn Pandora for opening that box. Haha.

&the pages keep turning.

Exactly.

The sun is filling up the room,
And I can hear you dreaming.
Do you feel the way I do, right now?

I wish we would just give up,
'Cause the best part is falling.
Calling anything but love.

And I will make sure to keep my distance,
Say I love you when you're not listening,
How long, can we keep this up, up, up?

Please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing.
I'm afraid of what you'll see, right now.

I'll give you everything I am,
All my broken heartbeats.
Until I know you'll understand.

And I will make sure to keep my distance,
Say I love you when you're not listening,
How long, can we keep this up, up, up?

And I keep waiting
For you to take me
And you keep waiting
To save what we had

So I'll make sure to keep my distance,
Say I love you when you're not listening,
How long, can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure to keep my distance,
Say I love you when you're not listening,
How long, 'til we call this love, love, love?

&the pages keep turning.

You know what?
You really teach me a lot of patience.

Sometimes I don't know how I can continue being friends with people like that.
And I know that we'll just become acquaintances one day.
Merely acquaintances.

When fate doesn't allow anything more than that, I don't think I can resist.

&the pages keep turning.

I generally like today :)
Late morning, I was at Suntec with my lover for some sales. The sale that I wanted to go for was called International Branded sale like Nike, Adidas all those or something like that but it was so disappointing. Lol but nevermind about that, there was a mini food fair and books fair as well so we headed there. And I got the book I wanted but I couldn't find 'Mess'. Somebody buy it for me pleasseeeeee. *hints Ju.... Hints hints ly...* HAHAHAH.

We had TCC brunch! Nice food and drinks :D Haha it reminds me of HIMYM. Brunches are for couples. I always think about how I might not want to get married and all that but there are some sweet things that people can do when they are couples only. Awww :)


For afternoon, I guess I'm just fated to shop alone. I enjoy shopping alone! But today's different. It's being auntie alone by going for sales alone. Hahahahaha.

Shopping alone is one thing but being auntie alone is another!!

Haha I seem very free hor even though I got double job. And everyone else is kinda busy.

I'm quite happy today cuz I manage to try out the DSLRs that I was considering! Plus it's like $150 cheaper than those at Sim Lim. Plus plus there's more freebies..!! HAHAHA. Auntie instincts surface totally.

At work, I was working at Section A for the first time! I like it there cuz it's slightly slackier than the other sections. But I was a bit blur.

I learnt something about myself. I suck at handling nervousness. Lol!

&the pages keep turning.

Title: Angel vs Devil

My heart says ask, my mind says don't ask.

It's finally Friday again! :) And I'm looking forward to tomorrow, going shopping. Morning will be with my lover and afternoon........... Maybe alone? Everybody's kinda busy with their lives, couldn't really find people to go with, so yea. Really hope I can find a good entry-level dslr soon! :D There's so many sales/fairs at Expo. Heh. I'm quite an auntie :D

Anyway I'm really sleepy now. The night-morning has been horrible.
In the middle of the night at 3+am, for I-don't-know-what reason, my sister was awake in bed and the nanny was constantly beating her and scolding her for not going to sleep. Even my aunt came to check in on us because she heard the beating and crying. What's funny was that the nanny could still say to my sis, "Why you cry, your jie jie needs to sleep" Like wtf? the nanny was the one who's so noisy and initiated the whole "talking-crying" session with my sis in the middle of the night.

I'm really in a bad mood now because:

1. I couldn't have a peaceful sleep because of the noise they were making. I was really tired already because of work and I went to bed only at 1 and have to wake up at 6plus for work. But they just couldn't give me some peace even at night.

2. I don't know if I should tell my parents about it. I don't really dare to confront the nanny straight because she's an elderly and I don't want to sound rude. Yet at the same time, I'm quite sure if I tell my mum, relations in the house will strain quite a bit and I'll probably be called useless for being scared of the nanny since I don't want to confront the nanny straight.

Can somebody give me an advice?

3. The nanny thinks I owe her a living. Those sickening threats. This morning's conversation with her made me frustrated which surprised me when I saw myself gritting my teeth -_-

Then I was reading Invisible Scars on the way to work just now and I realise that I've always been living in fear. The fear of hurting someone, fear of being rude to someone and that's why it's so easy to step over me, to manipulate me, to threaten me because I'll eventually give in and just self blame. I'm stupid.

&the pages keep turning.

Looking at many wedding&other photographs by Lightedpixels Photography now!!
OMG SO PREEEEEETY >.<

&the pages keep turning.

Yesterday, had dinner with Charmain, Jamie, Jingle and Wenxiu! :D
The kind of topics we talk about now are so different. Last time it was about boys, school, food etc etc, but now it's uni apps and more uni apps :/ Haish. But it was an enjoyable night! Finally got to see Jingle after a long time! :D

Then Wenxiu talked about her uni stuff and it made me feel very un-filial.
When my mum said she couldn't afford to pay for my uni fees, it's okay, I find ways to deal with it. But in the end when we sat down to talk and everything's settled, I didn't bother about it anymore. While Wenxiu on the other hand was always thinking about how she could lessen her parent's financial burden.

I know the best way I can repay my parents is to take care of my sister but still it made me feel un-filial hearing about how sensible she is when it comes to money issues. It is the same for my ex-bestie..

Listening to them makes me realise I totally deserve all these shit because I always always fail to put myself in my parent's shoes.

This morning, I missed the shuttle bus from my house to Bedok MRT. The bus left right before my eyes because I was a few seconds late. It made me think about how I don't fight hard enough for what I want. Sometimes I believe too much in fate and it becomes a stupid excuse for making me not try.

I don't know when it is "worth it" to fight for something, and when it is not..

&the pages keep turning.

Title: Drunken sailor

Yesterday, even though I was sleepy, I felt this tinge of happiness inside. Idk why!

Work at Serenity was pretty slack. People are probably still experiencing Monday blues and won't be out drinking. Hahahaha. I was the beverage runner and I felt dizzy after awhile.

Possible reasons?

1. Lack of sleep the past 2-3 weeks.
2. Alcohol

Alcohol seems like a lame reason, since I only smelled lots of alcohol and I didn't any drink them. LOL. I was thinking about quitting that job cuz it's tiring handling both jobs but I realise the people there are nice and warm, it kinda makes me feel bad for leaving. I'll probably work for another month? The good thing about working there is that I don't emo cuz there's so many people whom I can talk to :D Yayness. Oh plus I get money of course. Hahaha.

Then just nice, I quit both of my jobs, AND I'M FREEEEE :D
I mean priceless.

&the pages keep turning.

You know something about a best friendship?

When all the quarrels and fights are over, you forge the strongest friendship ever :)

CHEERS TO A LONG LASTING FRIENDSHIP (If a certain person will ever read this)

&the pages keep turning.

You know, if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't want anybody normal.

&the pages keep turning.

There's something funny about death.
It comes at the most unexpected time.
And if you keep thinking of wanting to die, it'll not come. Life will make you suffer the consequences of not treasuring life.

&the pages keep turning.

I was just thinking (maybe I should stop lol) that I've become more feminist as I grow older. I used to like guys a lot more, and be very biased towards guys. But now, not so. Haha.

I used to like talking to guys a lot more. Like how I'd call my ex-bestie, this other friend and my first crush, almost everyday just to talk. Omg, just realise I'm so annoying. Haha! But we'd always have things to share with each other and talk about.

Did being in TKGS change me? HAHA!

I still "like" guys now.

But I prefer telling girls' stuff instead. As we grow older, somehow the line between what girls will talk/think about and what guys will talk/think about become very distinct.

Cheers!

&the pages keep turning.

Qn: Can I kiss you?
Ans: You go ahead *raises eyebrows*

The first question that they will ask me always when we meet is:

"Are you attached now?" LOL. But I'm always single when we meet!!

Just a random pic of the few of us! Time flies :) We've been friends for more than 4 years!

Yesterday night, I met Jing, Joyce, Liv and XF for dinner at With A Pinch Of Salt. Food was not bad. Haha two of the 5 of us are attached now, and so the whole night we were like interrogating the two attached people :P

"How often do you two meet?"
"Which base are you two at already?"
"How was your first kiss like?"
"Where?"
"How did it feel?"
"Did he ask you for permission when he wanted to kiss you?"
"What was your reply?"
*awkward silence for a moment*

And then we tried to think of all the scenarios and the kind of replies one could give. And yes, the blockquote above was one of them. Then we all burst out laughing. Hahahahha.

Then we loitered around TKGS (waiting for people to STOMP us as we were clearly trespassing. It was 9plus already). Joyce could still wave at the security camera.
For XF, guess what we did for her birthday (a belated one). We wrote a 1500 words story for her. It was TOTALLY FUNNY. AND NONSENSICAL. HAHAHAHA. And we bought her durians. LOL I felt so paiseh carrying the durians in my bag in the train cuz of the smell.......... Omg. lol.

After that, met Wenxiu for supper at Cold Stone. Talked for quite a bit and get to hear things in her perspective which opened my mind a little more :) Ahh, I'm going to miss her so much when she goes back to China, soon.

Anyway, yesterday was a great night, but somehow I just couldn't feel very happy. I don't know why. I get this feeling that I'm so detached from people. I'm like some no-life freak who just works, works and works. But mainly that detached feeling. Even when I met my sec school clique last night, I don't feel that I belong there somehow :( It's me.. I'm so detached from the world.

&the pages keep turning.

CAN SOMEBODY BUY ME THIS BOOK PLEASSEEEEE!
*Ju... hint hint ly... hint hint* LOL

&the pages keep turning.

You're breaking your own heart,

Taking it too far down the lonely road

&the pages keep turning.

I feel like I look damn dumb today.

Today, I am dressed in one of my favourite dresses. But there's a curse to this dress. Not-so-good things might happen when I wear it.

1. Spilling hot noodle soup on myself.
2. Late for work.

Actually, maybe not exactly cursed. But I always choose to wear this dress whenever I know I'm gonna be late cuz it's a dress that is easy to wear plus I don't have to iron it after wash. Haha.

I called it "cursed" because... I wore it when a super great thing happened.
And when all that magic disappears, yep, the hot soup was spilled on my thighs.
So that's how it begins.

Today's a bad day. Cramps. Felt like dying in the morning -_-
Everything's uncomfortable plus I am so sleepy. There's work tonighhttttttt.

I met my lover for lunch today. Love talking to her about stuffs! Anyway, I'm looking forward to the lunches we will have next time where we'll go explore other food places that we've never been to.

&the pages keep turning.

&the pages keep turning.

Lol I lost my cool yesterday and scolded this J1 girl.
Now I feel bad :x I just apologised to her but that feeling still lingers :x

I also kinda feel that I'm in my own world these days..
Feeling very disconnected with people, somehow..

&the pages keep turning.

Everyday, my emotions goes up and down, left and right.

&the pages keep turning.

You know what, I think.. I still don't like my parents even though the day went pretty well. Now they can be talking about casino, about how much my mum won/lost, about how much others won/lost, but when I asked, "Can we talk now?" she chases me out of the room immediately and said, "Tomorrow tomorrow, I want to sleep now."

Yea sure, sleep.

I wish I couldn't hear their conversation from outside the room. Lol they suck.

Now I feel like I'd rather not know anything.

&the pages keep turning.

Today's a really uber awesome day. Maybe cuz.. It's Mother's Day huh?

Over lunch, my mum mentioned about uni stuff, and the things we talked about, the way she said things, made me feel like I was being foolish when I get so upset with them. Although my reason still holds now as to why I was upset in the first place, after that chat, I understood the situation in their perspective and it just made me feel stupid and shallow.

Today, is really a day of self-reflection. I've learnt a lot about myself. The real me. I see it all. That's why it's a great day. Because I've learnt about my flaws.

1. I'm awfully selfish.
2. I respond to situations with cold war.

I have never thought that the 2nd point was a flaw. I just know that I'm not very expressive, and I tend to try to escape from issues through "no-conversation". And only today, when I talked to my mum and she mentioned it to me, then I realise, it really is a flaw. It's only then that I realise, because of this flaw of mine, I destroyed friendships/relationships.

The great thing about today is also because I get to talk to my dad. On the bus ride to Courts/Giant, I went to talk to him about what I want to study in uni again, and I get to hear opinions from him about Psy and Social Work. He kinda discourages me to take those two because of very practical reasons and he started nagging about work life and all that. Hahahaha although he's naggy la, at least he listened to my reasons, sounded keen in what I said and wanted to do and gave me advice. I like it when I could talk to my parents casually, about life. Or more specifically, my life.

I wish everyday could be like that.

I only told one friend about my aspiration in life. Yup my lover is so great to hear me out. I think I wouldn't dare tell anyone else. Haha. If I were to tell that to my dad my aspiration, he'll probably start nagging about practicality again. Hahahaha.

Anyway I know how hard it's gonna be to make this whole situation better because there are many problems festering in the background. I've been too independent, and I know my parents have never once felt like I was their child. And vice versa. And my mum told me today, how she 后悔 seeing my like that. How it seems like they don't care about me, how I don't bother telling them anything because of that and how we all felt so distant from each other.

It's gonna be hard, because we're always denying each other.
I'm not like their daughter, and they're not like my parents either.

Anyway, I better get things settled before my mum goes back to Indo. Chop chop.

&the pages keep turning.

It's Mother's Day today!

I've never celebrated Mother's Day with my family before. I liked it how it was at Dagu's house though :) Not sure if I'm able to treat them lunch today, even though both of my parents are in Singapore now. Just hope they'll make time for the family and not just spend time at the casino/be lazy to go out. Lol.

I've calm down a lot this morning.. I guess I just needed to rant.
But I'm done. What will be, will be. What will come, will come.

&the pages keep turning.

If I blogged about 30 minutes ago, this post would have been filled with lots vulgarities. But thanks to the HIMYM episode that I was watching, I kinda calmed my thoughts down.. I still wanna rant though.

F my life.

I don't know. I've been really positive about things, but there must always be people who bring me down. I hate my family. When I want to try my best to prove myself as a good child, they deny my efforts. That's one thing, for today.

I was trying to think about the nice things my mum do for me last night on the way home from work. I tend to think a lot about my family or the relationships that I have with people when I'm alone. When I was in Indo in Jan, I had a room to myself and one day my mum came to ask me to sleep with her (after my dad's back in Singapore) and the obvious reason I could see was "to save aircon fees" but in the end I heard from Wawak it was because my mum knows that I've been getting lots of mosquito bites in that room and so she asked me to sleep with her in her room where there's less mosquitoes.

Then I was thinking.. Sometimes maybe I just misunderstand her intentions?

But of course, I think at the back of her head, she still thinks of the aircon fees. Nevertheless, I was rather touched then.

I really try hard to think about the happy memories I have with my family. Because a lot of times I know I get really negative about my family. I want to try to have a positive outlook, I want to be those people who will see the beauty in everything, see the good in everything. But I find that I have to try really hard to dig things out because there were so little of those.

And then today, A NEW PROBLEM SURFACED? LIKE SERIOUSLY FUCK MY LIFE. NOTHING ABOUT MY UNI STUDIES IS SOLVED, AND MY MUM HAS TO CREATE ANOTHER PROBLEM? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT I DID IN MY PREVIOUS LIFE TO DESERVE ALL THESE FUCKING SHIT. IT'S LIKE EVERYTHING CAME CRASHING DOWN AT THE WRONG TIME. I don't even know when IS the right time to talk about all these. BUT I REALLY CAN'T STAND HAVING THINGS HANGING THERE, MAKING ME WORRIED SICK. And then there's my dad, who's not being helpful AT ALL.

FUCK. I'M REALLY DAMN TIRED.
GOD, EITHER LET ME DIE, OR TAKE ALL MY TEARS AWAY.

I don't know how I have so much tears to cry to sleep almost every other day. I don't want to waste my tears but I really can't help it. Can I have someone to rant on? I NEED A SHOULDER BADLY.. But I guess.. Even if I met a friend, I wouldn't be able to cry because I can never put a sad expression on my face with my dear friend(s) around.

Just when I had a great time with my friends today at FASS Open House, cleared lots of my doubts, find new perspective about uni studies etc, I thought I would return home happy after a day of enjoyment. But maybe, happiness never lasts. Yup, I'll always get punished for  having too much happiness in my life.

&the pages keep turning.

I think people unconsciously try to make others feel worse when they are having a bad day. It may be unintentional but it's vile. We can be so selfish.

&the pages keep turning.

Title: When the wind blows, you will think of me

&the pages keep turning.

Title: Paradox-ified

Funny how I'd reach home awhile ago, feeling tired of life.
Really too many things in my mind. Maybe I should have worked tonight.
I felt like saying F word continuously, but knowing that it wouldn't solve anything, I stopped my thoughts in disappointment. I WISH THERE WAS SOMEONE I COULD RANT ON..

The 7 things I hate about you, oh you
You're vain, your games, you're insecure
You love me, you like her
You make me laugh, you make me cry
I don't know which side to buy

Your friends, they're jerks
When you act like them, just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you

Then it could be..

And compared to all the great things
That would take too long to write
I probably should mention the 7 that I like

The 7 things I like about you!
Your hair, your eyes, your old Levi's
When we kiss I'm hypnotized
You make me laugh, you make me cry
But I guess that's both I'll have to buy

Your hands in mine
When we're intertwined, everything's alright
I wanna be with the one I know
And the 7th thing I like most that you do
You make me love you, you do

Anyway, sometimes it kinda sucks that there's so many things which can be 2-sided. And you start laying out pros and cons and in the end you become indecisive because you can't make up your mind.

Or is it I'm too critical of people and issues? I highly doubt so.

It has been a rather busy week for me. Play and work a lot.

Monday, went USS with da galz! Cass, Emm, Jaime and Jerrie. Had a great time with them, taking the rides, spamming photos etc etc :D

Haha USS is kinda small though, it's good in that sense since we manage to visit every theme zone. Every part of the theme park is very well-designed. Omg, seriously beautiful. The rides were also (Y). THUMBS UP X1000000. I love the roller coasters!! Battlestar Galactica: Human vs. Cylon was uber awesomeeeee. Mummy ride and the water ride was super duper awesome also. EVERYTHING WAS JUST AWESOME. LOL!! I need some thrill in life and so I got it.


Photos are up on FB! Emm uploaded them. Hee.

For dinner, Emm had to leave first and so the rest of us went to Ramen Play. Food was not bad. My mum actually gave me $100 RWS vouchers previously. Unfortunately, they can only be used in the casino or at the hotels (the restaurants look too high-class and it was awkward for us to dine there. Plus if we really eat there, $100 sure not enough!!)

But after playing so much that day, I DO FEEL TIRED (of playing)! HAHAHA. Taking that 2 roller coasters, total 3 times, made me tired. Mentally. Haha I've never felt that way at Genting..! The roller coasters at Genting have never made me this tired. LOL!

Hope I'll get another chance to USS. Provided I don't need to pay :P

Today I finally have a day off from my work. As in a rest from my 2nd job since I requested it. If not I think I'll die if I work everyday and reach home at like 12.15 every night, sleep at 1, wake up at 6.30 -_- But you know what? I kinda like my 2nd job :D Friendly people, cosy environment. Just the right kind of environment for me :) And there's live jazz music every night. I honestly don't like jazz that much, but the ambiance is great. Haha.

Yesterday, I met my lover for lunch and introduced her to the job at my work place! Haha hope she'll join me at the restaurant and then we can take long bus rides home, talk, share stuff or sleep? :)

&the pages keep turning.

To all of my friends, you will never ever understand my pain and my sorrow until you’ve lost family close to you over and over.
I’ve lost my father and never really had a mother ever since I was born. She travels and works too much you see. My siblings were never there for me. I grew up alone. I went through the divorce, depression cases between members of the family and myself, family abuse, suicide attempts, my father’s cancer and external threats I faced from others such as Rex’s psychotic parents largely by myself.
My father whom I have always been the closest to walked out on me when I was 13. By the time I was 11, he already couldn’t care less about me. Women were more important.
My mother travelled and worked so much she never taught me all the things a mother was supposed to teach a daughter. She could never really understand what was going on in my life just because she was so absent from it. I could never even tell her of the permanent injuries I inflicted on myself accidentally & up till today, no one in the family knows. My siblings refused to speak to me for a long time. They had their own boyfriends and girlfriends to cheer themselves up. I had none. They were not there for me when everything in my life crumbled in my early teenage years. I ended up trying to pour out my sorrows in a relationship that resulted in me being foolishly made use of.
I never had anyone to talk to since I was young. That was why I talk to my toys so much, even up till today. But throughout all these, bourbon has never left my side. I did not belong in my family but I never ran away because of him. He created a sense of belonging for me because he always smiled at me and told me that he loves me.
For 12 years of my life, bourbon was always silently there for me. He took care of me when I fell, sat by my side to comfort me when I cried & welcomed me home with a smile every time. He smiled for the girl who could never smile. He gave the girl who has always been obsessed with the notion of ‘peace after death’ some beacon of hope. He was my reason to live, my reason to come home.
And now, I feel like I am dying when I do. The house is emptier than before. My best friend I grew up with is no longer here to welcome me home with that lovely smile of his.
I don’t belong anywhere anymore. No one is smiling for the girl who can never smile anymore.
So leave your judgments to yourself when the most of you haven’t even experienced any losses in your family. You will never understand.

:( I feel.

Have a very bad feeling since last night..
I think I'm gonna have a quarrel with my parents, probably my mum, real soon. Heard she's coming on Friday. Hell unleash. Uni stuff + overseas trip. I'M DOOMED. There's too many issues here. I really have a bad feeling about all these..

Save me..

You know, I might just love my mum too much that the things she does f-ing hurts.

&the pages keep turning.

Title: I will know you.

WHY CAN'T SHE OR HE BE MORE LIKE ME?

There is often a basic power struggle between men and women. In this game, men are "reasonable thinkers"; women are "emotional messes". However, women are often more emotionally evolved and that scares many men. Women want to talk about their feelings. Men want to understand what the problem is, then think up a solution. Women then feel misunderstood, undervalued and frustrated. Men are confused, because they intended to be helpful. Many men want women to feel happy and be less complicated. Many women want men to share complexities. Some men can see women as irrational. Some women can see men as too controlled and logical. In many cases, a woman's life force is connected to her emotions. For many men, a man's power and self-worth are connected to his perceptions that he is in control and feelings are way too messy.

Excerpt from Invisible Scars

Truth.

The strange thing is that I don't feel that sleepy these days. Even though I've got double work now, I still feel more or less quite energised. Except the fact that my leg is damn suan now after standing so much. Anyway, my life will be quite balanced. Sit down all day at office, stand and walk all day at restaurant. LOL :D

Just hope I don't over tire myself, which I think is almost impossible.
ME IS STRONG. GAHAHAHAH.

I was just randomly thinking..

I wish there would be this screen above our heads, which shows the amount of pain each person experiences. And the amount of pain can be calculated in Newton? Or maybe Joules? Idk. I wish there was this programme which can calculate pain.

And then it might encourage people to stop complaining about their life?
After seeing how much pain others have been through? I don't know if it'll be effective, but I think it will be effective for me. I'll complain a lot less after knowing that others would have been through much worse than me.. And I have no right to complain..

Okay back to restaurant thingy, I love hearing the Ps and Qs :)
These little little things count when you're working at such environment. And this little boy made me smile as he shyly said "Thank you" to me when I poured drink into his baby cup. Heehee :D

&the pages keep turning.

Gonna start a new kind of life soon :)
I shall suffer for 3months and enjoy later~

CHEEERS! :)

&the pages keep turning.

Work was uber boring today.
Probably both my supervisor and I weren't in the best mood.
I wasn't in a bad mood, but just not the best mood.

I had lunch with Wenxiu! We went for cheap food. I don't know what's the name of the place we went to. But seriously, can you believe it one can actually get a $3.50 Hor Fun AT ORCHARD? HAHAHAHAHA. AWESOME BO? Plus the food was nice :D

For dinner, I met my ex-bestie. I'm not supposed to spend much, but guess where we ate.

SUSHI TEI. LOL.

Actually I was surprised that they have not-so-expensive food which cost 8. I think for restaurants, 8 is not that expensive! But I ate something else there ._. Food was good.

Anyway, I was just rather surprised when he asked me out for dinner. Haha the conversation we had through sms was quite a funny one. He said he was emo-ing, so I better "give in to him", plus he's going NS soon also. He emo-ing? HAHA probably one of the last things that he'll do man! But I felt quite happy that he turned to me :)

As usual la, talked a lot of nonsense. About his dream to be Sec-Gen of UN (?) and Mediacorp actor (?). LOLOLOLOLOL. Anyway, he's a friend that is different. Just different. So blunt, yet one can't dislike him for his honesty. The friend who's always true to himself and never the need for any pretense. I'll feel comfortable talking to people like that.

The funny thing is how we don't contact each other much, or we only talk once in awhile, but somehow we'll always know about the person that each of us like :D

Cheers! :)

&the pages keep turning.

Just had a conversation with Wenxiu over the phone while she was working. Haha she's so naughty for using office phone to call me. But heh, I'm so happy to have someone talking to me over the phone!! ^^

I keep making the same mistake.

Everytime I talk about my family, it's as though I pity myself.
I think self-pitying is stupid. But I unconsciously do it all the time. Wtf?

I should stop. The more I talk about them, the more I self-pity. It makes me feel like I'm a self-pitying fool. And not like it solves anything.. it just creates more sadness out of nothing. Ikr, I'm very stupid right..!

&the pages keep turning.

Sudden messages make me smile, a lot, a lot.
Like, "Hi, wanna have a meal together?"

"Hi, we haven't talk for a long time."

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Or just other random messages that come :)

&the pages keep turning.

Title: I think I try too hard to be a saint.

Emo state this morning. Couldn't finish breakfast and so I brought it to work for lunch. Just felt so disgusted and sick inside. Yay save money :) That's the good thing about emo-ing I guess.

My mind always disapproves of what my heart does.

But I forgive myself for what I did yesterday. I was just a bit psychotic yesterday. Haha probably because of the heat *excuses*. Still, the after taste of it was bad. Because that feeling of disgust overwhelmed me, till now. Disgusted with the way I am feeling. It's something that I haven't been doing for a month, except when there's really important things to convey.

I know I hate this phrase - "can't help it", but I wanna use it NOW.

I CAN'T HELP IT but think of all the other people that you talk to. Thinking about how you'd be much happier talking to them than to me, thinking about how you'd say much more things to them than to me, thinking about how you'd prefer pretty people to me.

I just wish that I didn't hear what I heard back there.

And I was just left there, feeling disgusted with myself because of all the jealousy I felt. WHEN WILL I START ACCEPTING MY HEART? Why does my mind keep resisting?

Jealousy is the work of the Mind.
and never the Heart.

I wish I could throw my mind away.

Question: Would I rather know the truth that hurts, or know nothing at all?
I think this time I'd rather stay ignorant.

Anyway, I'm in a dilemma now. Again.
Yesterday I received a letter of offer from NTU for Psy.
Now I'm not sure if I should follow my heart or follow my mind. Lol both are fighting inside me.

My mind would say,"Come on, you don't have that much money to stay in UTown. You should just go NTU and half of the money issues are solved!"

My heart would say,"But I really like the curriculum and the environment a lot and I want to stay in campus badly badly badly badly badly"

You know what? It boils down to the same thing.

DESIRES MAKE ME SICK.
Desire for people, desire for the other things I want.

I should look for a spiritual teacher.

&the pages keep turning.

I find it ironic how I'm always doing things or seeking ways to revert to my old self, but somehow, I'm comfortable with the way I am now at the same time.

&the pages keep turning.

I actually smiled when I finished reading this :)

&the pages keep turning.

Lol, I wonder if I will ever, ever, ever get over it.

I still feel uncomfortable being near you.
I still feel uncomfortable talking to you.

Until I can't control my desires, I will never _____ with you again.
Because I know there's no place anywhere for me. IKR, I'm probably just jealous. Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhaahahhaahahahhaha.

Today's A SUPER HOT DAY. Until awhile ago, when it started pouring. Got caught in it for a bit while I walked back from the bus stop..!

Present: Cass, Emm, Jaime, Jerrie, Jia Hong, Joshua, Shameer, Teck Yan (Jamie + Ye Shen lunch only)

Hehe, it's great having classmates over! Playing badminton and table tennis and talk rubbish. But seriously la, since the badminton court is outdoor, it was hot like sick. I felt like I was melting........................ Anyway, so sad to see friends leave la :( Back to lonely reality man.

But I know la, my house here also got nothing much. SIGHHH :(
I wish we could do more fun things? I know I suck at organising things. HAHAHHA.

Still glad that we could meet up :)

&the pages keep turning.