Recently, I've started to archive pictures away, and I have also disconnected from the Between app.

It feels kinda weird though. I feel like I'm throwing away memories.

Though I'm not attaching any emotions onto the people or memories, letting go is hard. It feels like a part of me just died.

One day, I might be asking myself - did I actually live that moment?

&the pages keep turning.

2019 is here! Another year has passed and if I have to summarise the year in a word, it’ll be “Gratitude”

I learnt what Gratitude (and the lack of) can do to relationships. The downfall of a life lack of Gratitude has been made salient to me – on how humans can become (too) greedy, in turn creating unhappiness and dissatisfaction. We stop noticing the goodness and potential in people around us. We stop appreciating. We stop realising.

There will always be something better out there for you. But when then do you tell yourself to stop? I don’t have answers for this but I can only continue to wish for your happiness, Ni Yi, wish that the wait for another person in your life will all be worth it and for you to live without regrets.

I also feel overwhelming Gratitude towards the people who have been there for me, who have showered me with kindness and patience, and who have loved me when I’m so inadequate. I am very thankful to Ni Yi – while we can’t be together anymore, we gave the best possible ending for each other, in a mature and honest manner, and I am filled with gratitude towards you (and I’m sure you know that) for the last 5 years of memories and also for the most peaceful ending one can have.

I can’t be more thankful for my life this year.

I think, for the bulk of 2018, my attention has been on “Relationships” and “Healing.” This year, I let go of a relationship which I held so so so dear to me. Sometimes it makes me think… If I can let go of this negativity in my life, I can let go of anything, anyone. I guess it serves as a self-love kind of motivation for myself. Haha. To never let anyone take advantage of me, to never let anyone make me feel less. I hope in my next relationship, I can be chosen every day and be appreciated for who I am.

I always think/feel that I’m not that badly affected by the break & break up because I was still living my life pretty happily, continuing with my daily chores and work; I also didn’t feel a loss of energy or become unable to feel happy nor did I ruminate much about our past relationship. When people go through a break up, these are some of the symptoms people get typically right? Like they can’t feel happy, feel depressed, don’t wanna get out of bed, don’t wanna work, don’t wanna do anything, lose energy to do stuff, ruminate about past relationship etc. I think? But I didn’t feel that way that much. So I thought I was doing pretty fine healing from the break & break up. Just continuously psycho-ing myself to feel gratitude towards the new friendships/relationships forged, feel gratitude towards the #smallhappiness that I encounter.

These feelings of gratitude definitely helped in my healing though. They helped me find joy in the life without a partner (here’s joy glaring at me: hey, you made new friends who can have lots of fun with you too!), they helped me find peace in the calmness of our mundane lives. Gratitude healed me. But then again, I guess every one heals in different ways and I should stop denying the part of me that feels that I might not have coped too well. My bad sleep started around June period, when we officially had our break. I started waking up way too early in the mornings and having choppy sleep cycles. I lost my appetite for a few weeks too (I rarely ever lose my appetite because I love food too much?). I guess that’s how my body coped and I should acknowledge it and stopped denying that the relationship didn’t affect me that much. I don’t know when this bad sleep will end but I’m sure it will in due time.

As life closes one of its doors on me, it has yet again opened another door for me. “All things will be made good,” as Genson told me – I am convinced. The new friends that I made came at such a 恰当的时刻 – MSM friends David, KC & JJ, Running Man friends, new pottery colleagues and Zhong Wei. They made my life colourful again and allowed me to go on with my life with lots of excitement and embark on new journeys! I also became closer to old friends like Serene, Candice, Han Ren and Teck Yan during this period 😊 And the constants in my life – Wenz, Emm, SY, Nic, Jac, primary school friends who were always there for me. So yuppp, I am ever so thankful that even during difficult periods, I received so much comfort and company from friends, old and new. I hope that in the new year, I can be a source of comfort and support to the people around me too.

As life closes one of its doors on me, it has yet again opened another door for me. I never thought that I’d find someone to love so soon, but I did. I never thought I’d meet someone so close to my ideals, but I did. And I never thought I’d hear so many “I love you”s in my life, but I did. There’s no perfect partner, but I am thankful to you, Zhong Wei, even though you know I still have 放不下的thoughts/emotions towards my 前任, thankful for how 你还是默默地等着我, 陪伴我, 安慰我, thankful for how you understand, accept and accommodate my imperfections. And thankful for giving me so much love and kindness unconditionally during the good times and bad times. I definitely look forward to what the future might hold for us.

In 2018, I also made 8 trips abroad (JB not counted hahaha)! Two trips were to Home and I’m glad I did. My first trip home was during CNY period and I had hours of heart-to-heart talk with my mum, sharing with her about relationship issues and I bawled my eyes so hard that I never thought I was capable (of bawling that hard) in front of my mum. My eyes were swollen for 2 days hahahaha. Think that was the hardest I have ever cried. And in July during the break, I felt like I needed to get out of Singapore. I chose Home and I’m glad I did. My mum just said “Of course you’re welcome to come home. It’s your home” to me when I asked if I could go home. Through these experiences, I realised that my mum was there for me all the time. Though she’s not physically with me, I feel her warmth and love through the little conversations we had 😊 Thankful for being slightly emotionally closer to my mum.


On a more serious note...
Looking at my new year resolutions last year… Hmmmm…. Quite a number unfulfilled. Haha. I guess it’s because I didn’t continuously work towards completing them although I remember them at the back of my head and I actually do think about them, just that I’m too lazy to take action :x

2019 New Year Resolutions 
1) Read 6 books this year (one in two months)
2) Continue with fitness lessons (yoga/pilates) by signing up for new packages
3) Put aside $1,000 every month to save up for school
4) Notice bodily changes more and continue to find ways to cope with stress better

Regarding 4, I did notice that I didn’t cry much this year because of work. I remembered that work was really tough for me when I first started late in 2017. I cried a lot cuz of the stress from my boss and work. But in 2018, nope! Is it a sign of me adapting and coping better? 😊 Keep it up, Vivi!

Anyways, I’m really excited about 2019 – new relationship & school. Can’t wait how the year will unfold.

&the pages keep turning.