I wish you would tell someone, "I'm about to lose her."


I'm getting a little of withdrawal symptoms now.
I probably just need a lot of time to adapt.

And learn to accept that we can still be best friends no matter what :)

&the pages keep turning.

My first paper is in about 25 hours' time.

&the pages keep turning.

7 months only. Not too much time has passed. Really hope that she'll hang on to him, but at the same time, not close the doors on anyone one day. Anyway, haha at the last comment. #sotrue

&the pages keep turning.

"I wanna be a carpenter's wife.
So that we could build everything in our house from scratch."

&the pages keep turning.

I haven't felt this horrible in a long time that I could cry today.

But I'm glad that I'm feeling much much better now.

Perhaps thanks to Chings.

"Just be sad and move on."

I probably have forgotten to accept my sadness, keeping all those feelings bottled up, all the feeling bad inside me. I needed a break from every thing.

I got overwhelmed and frustrated with my lack of time, lack of money, lack of grades, complicated thoughts in my head about relationships etc.

It's the exam period now, I need to keep unnecessary thoughts out of my head. And firstly I have to stop over-pressuring myself.

I reached home at about 2.10 and the odd thing was I couldn't remember what I was doing from then to about 5. After I woke up from my nap at 6, I tried really hard to recall what I was doing during those few hours but I couldn't. I don't know, maybe I was just stressed up at that time and tried to keep out any memories. And yea true enough, I didn't think of anything because I can't seem to remember much anyway.

Now I recall one of the things that I did at that time, I was writing a reply letter.

Okay, I'm feeling a little more relaxed now. Time to sleep and get up super early for violin lesson and start a new day afresh. It's reading week. Time to study hard! And put everything else behind me.

Gan batte!

&the pages keep turning.

Sometimes I think I hang out with Joshua Chan too much. I know he loathes this thing about how girls sometimes don't wanna open up to guys just because they are guys and all that. I seem to become less conscious about this gender thing too. Or become like... Indifferent about it. Or is it the uni culture which has blurred the lines between males and females?

&the pages keep turning.

Today, I came to know of a sad piece of news.
A friend of ours recently broke up with his girlfriend. About a month ago or so.

They've survived through army, they've survived through the girl going for exchange programme for the whole semester and many other on-the-verge-of-breaking-up-moments and yet, this had to be the time for them to get separated, forever.

It was really heart-wrenching for me because they've pulled through this much, the many years they've been together, and yet, things didn't work out. How come life is so full of uncertainties?

And what makes us still try?

I hope I'll be the one who comes out of this first.
Because I don't want to be the one left to cry alone.

&the pages keep turning.

Feel pretty emo recently.
I'm not sad, but just a little more reflective than usual. Hmm.

Looking forward to this weekend.
Probably the last break for myself until after exams? :)
Good luck everybody for finals! ^^

Yesterday, went to National Library with Wenz to study. Haha pretty productive! ^^ And yes, level 11 is really awesome. I love the high ceilings and the environment! And the security guard on duty was really nice!

Studied for about 3+ hours there and I came back to campus and was supposed to go for GSD with Ni Yi but we came late and we didn't really know where it was held. So we just went to the YIH to study ourselves instead. Haha I guess I just wasn't motivated to study. After about 2 hours, we went back to Angsana to have dinner. And we just talked lots of nonsense and ended up talking more at the dohldeng area outside Cinnamon since we both have never sat there before. That place is nice at night! Can see stars and it's peaceful.

I'm still waiting for his palm + horoscope reading. He claimed that there were not enough stars that night cuz it was not dark enough and hence he can't read for me anything yet. Haha.

Then as we talked, I think I turned into emo mode for this short moment.
I thought I sounded rational and fine but at the end of the conversation, I realised I wasn't, and thankfully he kind of changed the topic.

At 11 plus, I suggested going Starbucks to study and yep, another 2 hours before we all went back to our rooms to rest (or play Candy Crush or play Dota 2) Haha.

Anyway, I just feel so so so sorry.
What am I doing...

&the pages keep turning.

I finally understood what it means to be committed. When you're fully committed to something, it seems like it's really tough breaking away from it. Like, even at times when you feel like giving up, you just wouldn't, because you have committed so much, in terms of feelings and efforts, that giving up seems like they're all gonna go to waste.

I say that I know what it means to be committed because I can't seem to give up. I'm at the stage where I'm testing waters. And I have so much apologise for, for using you, perhaps to also measure my commitment level and comfortability level as well. But, everything that I'm doing seems so forceful. And... Unfortunately, I really am not totally comfortable about opening up.

It scares me sometimes if I ever will move on.

&the pages keep turning.

To stay or not to stay with you, those thoughts keep replaying in my head as we walked. Laying out the pros and cons, thinking of the negative consequences on my feelings if I were to stay, yes negative consequences.

What if my feelings for you grow?
What if you take my presence for granted?

But the eager and hopeful look in your eyes pierced right through my heart and made me feel bad as I eventually still decided to let you go.

Just at the point of parting, you suddenly asked, "When was it? 27 or 28?"

I immediately knew what you were referring to.
"27," I responded.

"We have been unofficially together since then."

"Mmm."

*You count - Leap year 366 days..... January till now XX days....*

Oh my you're actually counting, I thought.

"We have been unofficially together for 4XX days."

I didn't catch what you said, but just "Whoa..."

It's been so long. I find it laughable, but it's not funny, at all.

You said, "You have to decide now, to walk there with me, or we'll part here," and walked away, walking in the "there" direction.

"I should go, bye."

I waved goodbye with a sour feeling just from the look in your eyes, but I did not turn back anymore.

That sad and lonely look lingered.

Were you once in love with me? I wondered.

- extracted from A Reconstructed Memory

I know, it's just because I'm not The One.

&the pages keep turning.

I like how these two images appear almost side my side on my profile page on Facebook.
Because it's like making me see "Less of Reality vs Reality"


Left: Nicer looking hair. Right: Disgusting looking hair.
Or is it the smile that is nicer vs disgusting? Or is it my eyes that should be compared?

And LOL, they are the same person. ME. Omgzxasdfzx.

Sometimes I can look really bad that I can't even........
#justsaying

Oh well, born to be ugly..

&the pages keep turning.