Me: Do you want anything to bring back to New Zealand?
Sam: Memories.

Awwwwwwww :)

&the pages keep turning.

A guitar solo by Sungha Jung for my blog song :)

Must be the exam anxiety..!
Feeling exceptionally sian all the time and that makes me insecure about everything. It's like I get attached to people even more during this period. Like clinging to them, not giving them space, bothering them.

And I can only apologise.
Because I really want the support.

But exams will end soon :)
Hope I'll not feel this way by then!

&the pages keep turning.

1. Fake emo: Oh my god, I saw how awesome emo's are on tv, I so have to be one
*two days later* *is wearing fully black clothes, make up, and is carrying a razor with them.*

Fake emo: My parents don't get me. Nobody gets me...

2. True emo: *is being hyper and dancing* I loooove life
*20 minutes later* God...I fucking hate this...dammit..

HAHAHHAHA.

&the pages keep turning.

But I might not deserve it.

&the pages keep turning.

I feel bad today.
I had my GEM paper in the morning. And I only studied this subject yesterday for the whole day. But of course, 1 day is not enough to study a whole semester's worth of work. I feel absolutely horrible, because the lecturer must have put in a lot of effort in teaching this module, yet I'm not putting in effort to do well in it.

I'm also disappointed, for not believing in myself.

Throughout the 2 hour paper, all I kept saying to myself was "I want to give up."

I feel bad for putting myself down.

Where is my self-efficacy?

&the pages keep turning.

I feel happy. Happy that both Psy papers are done. Happy that our group did well for Japanese Studies project. Really really really really happy :) I've been very fortunate to have good group mates, intellectually and socially. I'm thankful for all of that. 

&the pages keep turning.

Love even if I don't return it

Altruism and unconditional positive regard.
That's what it's called in Psychology.
And everyone is believed to possess that, in humanistic perspective. I too believe in the good of all people, no matter how bad a person may seem on the outside.

Heh studying personality is really interesting! ^^
Okay, but honestly, I'm bored of studying and memorising stuff.

&the pages keep turning.

BORED BORED BORED
CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS TO BE OVER!!
CAN'T WAIT FOR THE START OF THIS WEEKEND!!
ARGH.

*throwing fits*

&the pages keep turning.

Suddenly remembering the only thing I'm interested in in life and that's my only motivation,
I MUST REALLY DO BETTER IN PSYCHOLOGY. B-
PLEASE. B- B- B- B- B-.

&the pages keep turning.

A friend says: Girls that are cute, outgoing & loud #turnon

O.o I beg to differ.
If I were a guy, I would love quiet-but-when-they-speak-they-could-tell-you-a-whole-world-you-never-knew-girls.
If I were a guy, I would love somewhat-introverted girls.
If I were a guy, I would love shy girls.

And yea, I wish I was like that. I would have loved myself more perhaps?

&the pages keep turning.

Looking at the things that I reblog on Tumblr, they make me emo. HAHA!
They are so screwed up @.@

&the pages keep turning.

Mymy, a day of unproductivity.
Yesterday, I had to go down to the agency to settle my visa stuff. Wasted one whole day on that.. But thank God that Jorene was there to accompany me. We walked around at Chinatown area while waiting for my passport photo to be ready. Haha exam's in 2 days time yo.

And I'm this chill.

Somebody slap me please.

Hobo-ed in the lounge yesterday with Joel and Marcus. Hahah built my own sampan to sleep in! Aircon in the lounge! Shiok. But my sampan very small la. Nevermind, I like to sleep in small places since I always crouch and I don't use so much space. But omg, Jonathan said I sleep talk. EMBARRASSING. WTF! :( But I guess I sleep talk a lot :/ Even at home. Nanny always tell me I spout some nonsense sometimes. Argh.

&the pages keep turning.

Last night we had a mini farewell for the international students who are leaving.

We made them say some speech about their stay in Singapore and it was really touching.. Couldn't help but tear :( It's so sad to see them leave. And I can't even send Sam off because I'll be leaving on the 5th already. And this farewell was done this early because there's a few of us who are leaving Singapore on 5th also.. They even have a BBQ on the 7th which I'm gonna miss. Sigh.


Although I would say that I wasn't super close with 2 out of 3 of the international students, seeing them leave is just sad.. They have been so part of our floor, our family and without them things would be so different. Getting sentimental T.T

The inevitability of goodbyes?

&the pages keep turning.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/learning-to-be-alone/

It's hard. And it takes time.
Only when one can be willing to give up physical needs to satisfy his/her spirituality.

Courageous, I would say.

&the pages keep turning.

Hehh. It's 9 plus already. Gotta start doing stuff after this.
Hahah I'm blogging almost everyday because I just wanna escape from doing work.

JS Discussion last night went well I thought. Although all of us were like zonk-ed out at like 11 plus. It's quite a good suggestion when Dr McMorran said we should study JS in groups. Yup, helping each other with the content, analysing some stuff :) Well, although I know I freeload a lot cuz my notes suck like shit. LOL.

I wanna get well soon. Woke up feeling like I could be paralysed in bed with my lungs hurting. I'm gonna die soon. Lol. I wish I would though. Arhh, wish somebody could massage my lungs. Obviously nobody can because it's internal. But the feeling is like you're having a bruise from someone boxing you at your lungs. Okay, I'm just guessing feeling pain from a punch feels that way. LOL.

Okay chop chop. Focus.

&the pages keep turning.

As cliche as it sounds, great fortune doesn't always come in monetary items.

It's the reading week now. The thing I hate about this period nearing exams is the fact that everyone feels kinda detached all of a sudden. Because everyone would be studying in their room or elsewhere studying, spending less time with each other.

But yesterday was kinda fun. Haha after dinner, probably when everyone else was still lazy to start mugging, our floor people got really rowdy and started disturbing our other neighbourhood mates on the 15th floor with our spider. We are kind of a nuisance ._. But I like it when everyone puts their books down, just to chill together, do all sorts of rubbish and talk nonsense la :)

Then the international students are leaving in a couple of weeks' time. They start writing sad notes which will make us miss them so much. And then more of our floor mates start putting their cover page, profile pic, pictures of our level. Ahh, so heartwarming to see how close we are. It's touching T.T

I've always been fortunate when it comes to meeting new people and making friends.
I can't be more thankful than this. Angsana is the best choice I have ever made in my life thus far.

Feel so sentimental suddenly T.T

&the pages keep turning.

"Action seems to follow a feeling, but really action and feeling go together, and by regulating the action, which is under more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regular the feeling, which is not."

Yesterday was an awesome day. Until now I still have no idea why. Remember my last post, I mentioned about cramps and it was making me feel miserable? Yesterday was everything but miserable. I was just exceptionally happy. But because of that I took quite awhile before I could fall asleep ._.

I was like quite crazy during violin lesson. I know I didn't look like it but I could feel my adrenaline rush, like I was excited to express myself, yet I was reserved due to my sucky playing skills. Paradox. Haha.

A lot of my friends seem to be having relationship problems.
Sigh, why at this time :( It's just a bad time.................. I feel for them.

But I on the other hand, am contented with the status quo.

Exams coming, no time no time!

321 more

&the pages keep turning.

I slept really a lot today.
Spent last night watching XFactor with my floor mates in the lounge, then I studied a bit, then Marcus came into the lounge with a guitar and say, "Can I disturb you guys for awhile?" HAHA. For awhile became 3 hours. I learnt so much last night!!

The odd thing is how I don't feel tired playing the guitar at 2+am but when it comes to writing notes, I'm tired by 12 already. But anyway, because of this I woke up real late this morning, got home later than I had expected also. And I haven't been doing much.

The time of the month. Gosh. Cramps cramps cramps cramps.
Felt so f-ingly distracted with the cramps and hence I went to nap.
2 hours nap. I just woke up from it. But I'm glad I feel much better now.

Even though I get this stupid cramps every month, why don't I ever get used to it? Why don't girls ever get used to it? When something keeps happening, shouldn't we all get used to it? Rawr. I want somebody to lie on my stomach now, to compress it so much so that it won't hurt. Never tried it don't know if it works. But just saying. Rawr.

I must be PMSing. Haha.

Xoxo.

&the pages keep turning.

我曾经多么的喜欢你，也许爱上了你。
我们的纯真，我们的友谊，我都想念。
但，那是曾经。

而你却不知。

&the pages keep turning.

Sometimes we need arguments and problems to realise the importance of the people around us. Why? Why do we always fail to appreciate what we have? Why do we always take things for granted?

因为他不知道你的泪。

I'm just escaping from doing notes now. I'm bored of it.
I've been working on my I&E. Must do well for this paper. *cross fingers* I really have to thank my peer reviewer, Bryan, our teacher, my other classmates, Joshua and Joel for giving me so much feedback to improve on my paper. I won't say it's the best paper in the world but at least in my eyes, I think I've put in a lot of effort to work on it and I did my best. Looking forward to the grade I'll be getting.

One more week to exams. I'm not ready at all.

Time to do work again.

&the pages keep turning.

A blank post.

&the pages keep turning.

THOSE OVERWHELMING EMOTIONS ENGULFED ME LIKE A TSUNAMI.

&the pages keep turning.

We'll still be the two people who'll look up to the same sky, imagine the same things, figure out the same shapes, love the same company.

&the pages keep turning.

I know i'm not perfect but i guess you just don't deserve me at all.

&the pages keep turning.

Lol, I sincerely want to thank Fate.
It never never never fail to answer to my dilemma.

Is believing in Fate a... superstitious thing? Some people say that everything is in the grasp of your palm and there's no such thing as Fate. I don't know, it's too philosophical for me to argue about it ._. I always hope for someone to tell me the truth, but I'm usually skeptical about them until Fate hits me hard on my head.

But really, Fate helps me make quick decisions.
Fate tells me the truth that I should believe in.
Fate shows me the path I should be taking.

It's cool ^^

&the pages keep turning.

I'm feeling a lot better now! I don't feel that sian and smiling is totally okay ^^

&the pages keep turning.

I created that chance for you to care, but you missed it. And I don't feel like that door would open again.

I could spend my entire time telling you about anything and everything, that's if you were even interested in finding out.

I said I will not mention it ever again. I want those thoughts to be buried in the depths of my mind. I still believe in getting over things myself. I know I can do it and it's my way of self-reliance all over again. I believe I can do it :)

It's been awhile since I last smiled genuinely. I don't know how it's possible to feel that smiling takes too much energy. Every smile that I make seems to pierce right through my heart, and my mind shouting at me "Fake! Fake! You fake!" Like wtf was that? I feel tired. Tired of my feelings. Maybe my medications are making me worse. I'm tired of paying attention to others more than getting those attention myself. Call me attention seeking, but perhaps yea, I'm an attention whore.

Anyway, yesterday was a pretty unproductive day. I reached home, did a little of Stats and went off to the living room to watch some Korean variety show. Haha. But I enjoyed the show very much :P

Then met Joshua for dinner plus some formal clothes shopping. A very simple night! Ohh but I was surprised that my legs got tired so fast!! Must be too much sitting and lack of exercise in campus. Hah.

Anyway, shopping with opposite gender makes me feel funny. I always feel like it's a couple thing. Not so much of friends. Like how I will never buy clothes for opposite gender unless he's my boyfriend.

I like shopping alone in general because I'll feel bad when people have to wait for me while I get indecisive over clothes. I'm also afraid of how people judge me based on my clothes taste. Haha but I guess the bad part is, when you get indecisive, no one can help you solve your dilemma since there's no one to comment on the clothes that you pick.

That's life? We have to make decisions ourselves at times? :)

&the pages keep turning.

It's Friday. How time flies.
2 weeks to finals.

I just finished doing some feedback form thingy for our module lecturers and TAs. Haha I realise my I&E and PL2131 teachers are the best. I even nominated Dr Lim for the some Outstanding Teaching award or something like that.

Jorene's with me now. Haha and good that she's here to fill up my sian feeling also. Don't feel like doing anything today. I feel very nua nowwwww. Is it the weather? Haha.

Or is it because my flame has died?

&the pages keep turning.

What if I felt like we're just two people trying too hard?

Anyway, our Stats lecture ends today. Whoa Dr Lim is really an inspiration. I can't forget that Central Tendency example that a student gave him in the assignment. That student who wrote it is such an inspiration too. Well, his lectures always always always drag way way way past the allocated time. But yea, he's still a great lecturer.


I need to aspire more.

&the pages keep turning.

Telling yourself you can do something really works.
When you believe, anything is possible.

I really don't wish to tell anyone related why or how I feel the way I do. Because I believe I can get over it myself. I believe that it's better if I get used to being sad over disappointing things. Yup, indeed I can.

I've been wasting a lot of time recently. Don't know what I've been doing also. Haha now I feel a little sleepy after eating drowsy medicine @.@ Maybe just an excuse :P Anyway, seeing the doctor is so cheap here! If it's common flu medicine, it probably costs you nothing. The doctor prescribed me lozenges which cost me $2 and that's all I had to pay for the whole consultation plus medicine. HAHA. Cheap like siao.

There was blood donation drive today and I was the photographer, so had to take pictures. It's really nice to see people willing to donate :) And some walk away disappointed, possibly because of their lack of iron, small veins or other thingy. Hmm :(

Oh yes, yesterday, my dad, uncle John and dagu came to NUS to sign contract for the tuition fee grant and to visit my room too :) Seems like they like my place very much! Cuz UTown is ever so awesome ^^

&the pages keep turning.

As I lay on the breakwaters, my thought goes:

I feel the way I am because I am resisting. I cannot resist. I will not resist. I will accept that you don't need me more than I do. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay. I will accept the sadness and be at peace. Humans tell lies and I will accept the fact that maybe you're all a lie. All that you said, they might be lies. But I will accept. I will not resist. It's good that I make this sadness conscious, so that I can tackle it head-on and not brush it off and try to hide it somewhere. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay. There is no need to resist. I will embrace all the sadness. At the very most, a friendship is lost like how it was with ___ and I. It's okay. Because that's how life is and I cannot resist. I will not resist. There's no need to be sad. I just have to accept and not resist. I'm just resisting and that's why I feel this overwhelming sadness. But there is no need to resist. I will accept. I will come to accept.

Welcome to my crazy world.

&the pages keep turning.

Maybe it's the weather.
For some part of the bus ride to our violin teacher's place, I just sat there, looking out of the glass, staring at the rain, having that sort of.. gloomy feeling. I know what I was thinking of. My mind was clear.

But sometimes, I wish I could block away those thoughts. I was contemplating on whether I should tell my violin mate about it. But anyway, she fell asleep so I didn't. Until on the bus ride home, she asked and I just shared.

Those thoughts keep haunting me. I need to focus on more important things in my life. Maybe it might have been better if it was October. I wouldn't have the time or energy to be sad.

God, please take my feelings away.

&the pages keep turning.

Playing it cool is really difficult,

&the pages keep turning.

I did all that I had to do today :) A pretty productive day.
But I took way too long to produce a 750 words forum post for JS :(

Anyway, Jorene's here with me again. Hehe loving companies with me ^^

Still coughing like siao today :( Hope I'll get well soon.

Hmm, just came back from the lounge, after watching Strangers, Again. That video always make me feel really sad. It's my 3rd time watching it. It's just a cheesy little video, but very realistic.

I think that if life separates us and we end up in totally different places, we'll always remember when our paths aligned for this period of time. And I'll be thankful for that. And hope that wherever you are, you'll be thankful too. And I think that's the best we can wish for.

Haha. What's this emo feeling man..

I can imagine the one million and one scenarios in my head. Trying to think about what if I stepped back, will things go back to how it was in the past? I probably should just take it as another phase in my life, move on like how every day would just pass.

"When he hugged me the first time, I just hugged back awkwardly."

&the pages keep turning.

Yep, officially the end of October :) Awesome.
But yea, still gotta do work later :/

Halloween was a blast! :D Love level 17 peeps and love Black Neighbourhood ttm ^^ And finally the After Party after Themed Dinner is over. Hmmm, the turn out was pretty disappointing but well, at least it's over. Don't need to think about it anymore. But glad that we somewhat grew closer together as a committee! I had fun dressing up, camwhoring etc. Haha.


I received some notes when I got back to my room at about 1.45am. I was really touched!! T.T

But this bad thing happened :( I was all ready to sleep. I was lying in bed at late 2 plus and then I was coughing coughing and suddenly vomitted. Gosh, at 2.45am. I had to get out of bed, throw up in the toilet, wiped the stains on pyjamas, change out, clean my bed sheet, change my bed sheet...... GOSH. It was disgusting. But oh man, my awesome dinner + medicine which I ate before I went to bed was all gone. And slept with an empty stomach and went for lesson this morning with an empty stomach because I missed breakfast. Woke up only at like 10.30+. Haha and Emm laughed at me when my stomach grumbled through lecture :x :x

Hmm, anyway, now that October's over, I'm back to the slightly emo mood. I'm really thinking of not being bothered about anything already but there must always be something within me resisting. I need to accept some hard truths. Sigh.

Maybe you're just lying. Or maybe it didn't matter much to you as much as it did to me. Maybe I'm too hung up on that idea when in actual fact, it didn't matter. It probably didn't matter at all. And I'm just thinking too much. #fail

Oh! I didn't get the nauseous feeling or headache today. A great Thursday ^^ Probably cuz vomit everything all out last night already -_- Zzz.

&the pages keep turning.