Just had a walk around UTown. Spent like over an hour walking. Really slowly.
I guess it was nice walking on my own. Although it made me get drowned in my sadness, at least after that, after looking around, after smelling the roses, after talking to Wenz, I felt a lot better.

Perhaps I don't deserve any good results at all, but I couldn't help but feel sad over my assignment results this time. What Val said is right, I shouldn't have checked my assignment results just now, right before Finals. I told Val that maybe if you score well, you'll feel more motivated to study harder. And then she said, "it's not worth the risk. It could go the other way."

And yep, it went the other way for me this time.

Suddenly my motivation dropped so low. I didn't feel like doing work anymore. Maybe it's my excuse to ditch my work.

I honestly felt that this semester is my redeeming sem. Looking at how much I enjoy every module that I take, I felt like I could do a lot better this sem. I felt that I had control over my schedule also, working on assignments/projects/presentations at the right pace. For the first time in my university life I obtained average and above grades for mid terms. I felt so much hope. Perhaps I can do it. But it always takes one little thing to bring me down. Why am I so weak?

As I walked, I just thought... Is there even any meaning in me going uni? Why don't I just help my mother in her business? But I doubt I can do as well as her. I'm not as aggressive as decisive as her. What am I good at? I'm not good at anything.

I don't know. I just feel overwhelmingly sad. Not just about results but heck, what am I doing with my life? I guess the results thingy just triggered thoughts which had probably been at the back of my head since I don't know when. Yup, just feel overwhelming sad and I can't control it.

I just wish someone could give me confidence. I feel useless at everything.

&the pages keep turning.

You know what I feel now?
I feel like an insecure-resistant infant. I was just revising on that last night. Yup. Insecure and resistant.

When one is close to me, I push that person away. When one is far to me, I want that person with me, but feeling :/ that that person can't be with me.

Well if I'm really a baby, I would throw fits when I am left alone.

Time to grow up, Vivi.

&the pages keep turning.