In the end, we're all alone in dealing with our own issues. Everyone has their own life to live and you too have yours to.

&the pages keep turning.

&the pages keep turning.

I cannot imagine myself ever crying over a client. But I did today. A mix of emotions - sadness, disappointment, frustration, sense of helplessness... How does anyone deal with such feelings?

&the pages keep turning.

Hi....? I'm back to blogging after a billion years of hiatus. Hahahaha. I've been too lazy to update and I guess also busy with my life (e.g. spending loads of time with zw on weeknights and weekends which I really enjoy). I decided to take leave from work today, and this Friday (but that's gonna be more to clean up my room in preparation for CNY). So yes, so here I am finally deciding to write instead of baking or using my phone to e-window shop or browse social media or read articles.

Despite what many people say about 2020 - feeling like it's been a shitty year because all our plans for the year were dashed, we're stuck in SG, stuck in our jobs, can't travel, can't go out, can't mingle, need to wear mask, no pasar malams, so many SafeEntry wherever we go, so troublesome to go out (see the point before), nowhere to go in SG, in general feeling sian etc, I felt like somehow people (or at least I) managed to find new ways to cope, new ways to connect with people, new ways to occupy my time meaningfully, discovered new hobbies and also save money!! We are more resilient than we think!

Quite a number of highlights for me this year, in no particular order:

- Getting engaged ^^

- Having a joint account with zw to save for wedding and future expenses! (yayy save more money)

- Investing more in ETF and Crypto (need some side income yo in hopes that I can break bond one day HAHAHHAHA)

- Discovering new hobbies: Loads of cooking, baking, picnicking! 

- Completing grad dip programme :)

- Going for a 10 week internship

- Volunteering with AWARE for a financial study

- Connecting with my family and friends through WhatsApp video call, Zoom, Skype despite not being able to meet them ftf, especially during CB period

- Trying new (and old) games e.g. Minecraft, Don't Starve Together, Maplestory private server, Spiritfarer, and some other Switch and Steam games

- Getting a BTO and choosing our flat! Yayyy!

Relationship

I think it's interesting how fast & far Zw and I progressed :) We only knew each other for slightly more than 2 years and we're already on our way to our new house and marriage! hehehe. I used to think that it's so crazy for couples who dated each other for less than 2 years to get engaged. I believed that longer time of knowing each other = greater quality of relationship. But zw proved me wrong and I've learnt so much from this relationship. It's not always time = quality, but rather, how often do we hang out, what is the quality of our conversations while we hang out together, how do we spend our time together, how open are we to try what each other likes to understand each other more, how open are we to criticisms/feedback that the partner shares, how ready are we in revealing vulnerabilities to each other and accept them (crying, frustrations, values, farting (HAHA)). And yes, we have broken our fart barrier which I couldn't in my past relationship of 5 years. Hahahahah. TMI I know :P 

Proposal day (P-day) was a really funny one. I still can't believe how clueless I was because I'm the kind of person that doesn't doubt anything too much and I give my utmost trust in whatever zw tells me. I'd like to document proposal day because it's so ridiculous and I wanna keep it etched in my memories (if I get dementia one day I'll still get to read it in my blog hahah).

Zw put an Ops duty on our shared calendar on 29 Nov 2020. I asked him what it was and he just told me he was on standby that day but most likely he won't be called back to work. Emm & Andre very smoothly jio-ed us for cycling on that day and even said that they have been into cycling recently and they have been trying out different routes in SG and they last cycled to Marina Bay area. Since I like cycling too and Zw will unlikely be called to work, I told them that we can make it and have dinner afterwards. 1-2 weeks before, Zw also said he needed some materials for work (some poles etc) and we went shopping together at Plaza Sing to look for those materials. I still eagerly helped him with the shopping but I did question how come if it's for work, then can claim or not and I was even upset when he said that he won't be claiming since it's not a lot and it's for their personal side project. Turns out that he was sourcing the materials which will be used for P-day (i.e. poles to make a structure for fairy lights and projector screen). Anyway, on 27 Nov, which was very last minute, Zw suddenly told me he got called back for his Ops and he couldn't make it for the cycling. I was super upset about the last min cancellation and Zw just told me to go ahead with the cycling and he'll join the dinner when he's done with work. So P-Day came and I went cycling with them. We were almost done with the cycling but zw told me that he was still stuck at work (which I was disappointed but I didn't question it since army is just like that lol). As we were cycling along this path, Emm & Andre suddenly stopped and pointed to the fairy lights above the hill. Both of them got down their bikes to exclaim at the fairy lights while I continued to stay on the bike. I agreed with them that the fairy lights were nice.

Emm: Let's go see the fairy lights leh

Me: (on my bike) What the... why would we go see other people's proposal? (At this point, still genuinely thinking that it's some other people's proposal lol)

 Andre: I want to know where they buy the fairy lights

Me: Huh... Just go taobao or shopee la!

Somehow with their insistence, I got down my bike and went up the hill with them. Emm was holding her phone to take video at that time but I thought it's just normal since she usually takes videos and photos anyway. And it was convincing enough for Emm to want to see people's proposal considering how kpo she can be HAHAHHAHA. I skipped up the hill because the grass were so prickly and I just wanted to get up as soon as I can. More than halfway up the hill and I still did not realise that it's my P-day. LOLOL. Until I saw Siew Yan hahahahahah then it dawned upon me that IT IS P-DAY. HAHAHA. Gosh. Saw Zw and I just laughed and cried for a good 5 mins. Zw said some funny speech and the most memorable one was how when we can't decide what to eat, we always end up with noodles (my fav food. awwww). hehhehe love youuuuuuuuu! And super thankful to my friends (you know who you are!!) for helping with P-Day and for concealing the truth/lying to me so well.

We also chose our flat in Nov in Tampines :) I guess I'm always gonna be an eastie. East side best side. The flat will only be ready in 2025 so it's a long wait but it also means we'll have more time to save up the money for renovations, to think of design ideas etc. Can't wait for our new home!

Lots of money involved in marriage and new home. So we started a joint account to save for our future and so far it's looking good! :) It always brings me joy to see our money grow month after month!

COVID-19 and Circuit Breaker

CB posed a huge challenges to all of us as we find new ways to adapt to not being able to go out (unnecessarily), not being able to meet family & friends ftf, not being able to do my work in a client centric manner. My last point was definitely the most challenging and frustrating one and I questioned on a daily basis what the heck is my role as a case manager when I am not able to serve my clients to meet their needs (emotional and psychological need mainly during this period). The restrictions in the Home made me so upset when I couldn't understand why our residents are treated like animals who only needed basic care (food, water, shelter) when mental health needs are just as important and how staff are treated like we are viruses because we stayed in the community and hence we pose a super huge risk (despite all the strict safe management measures already in place), I couldn't understand for a long time why we needed to be so conservative despite already being so safe. Case managers and staff in the office were not allowed to meet residents ftf at all for MONTHS. We couldn't arrange for zoom/online sessions as there was a lack of manpower (which did not make sense too). There were no activities to engage the residents due to safe management measures also. Basically, everything can't be done in the name of COVID-19 safe management measures. I felt so helpless all the time because I was working from home and I couldn't go against my bosses' instructions. If I had suggested anything, it would be me being un-understanding (about how everyone seemed to be in a tough situation because of COVID-19) for giving other people more work load. So yes, that was basically the frustrations I felt during WFH in CB period. I'm just glad that's over and things are more or less back to normal with less stringent safe management measures. I believe at that time, I just had to learn cope by doing the best that I can within the limits.

Nonetheless, I am thankful for the time to wind down, to catch up on my sleep, to discover that I am actually a night owl and cook a lot! I really enjoy cooking but usually no time la. Hahahaha.

Work aside, I connected with my mum more via WhatsApp call. Sometimes we talk for long, like > 30 mins, just to update each other about COVID-19 situation in both countries, chatting about my sister, future marriage plans etc. It was nice to be able to connect more wiht my mum. Zoom called friends & colleagues, played group games (code names, jackbox games etc) online during the CB period also. I usually go over to Zw's place on weekday nights when I have no school/plans. Since we weren't able to do that during CB and Phase 1, we would meet on Skype to watch movies and play Minecraft! Proud of myself for playing game. Hahahahaha I always think I have bad hand-eye coordination and hence I don't like to play computer games? I'm honestly better with card games irl. LOL. When Phase 2 came, since we are also discouraged to go to crowded places or go out too much, we started cooking and baking together. We made dumplings, chicken chop, fries, cheese cakes, tarts, cookies, florentine crisps, crepe cakes etc. We had so many small quarrels, usually because I was in a bad mood and Zw would do small things which annoyed me. Hahahha I asked him a bil times if he would be able to withstand my short temper if we were to get married and live together for the rest of our lives and he says because he loves me and accepts all of me. Awwwwww. 

So yes, temper. I hope to be less short tempered. Can I phrase my goal in a more positive manner: I want to be more long tempered? Hahahahahah. Jokes.

Some of our cooks & bakes~ More on IG stories highlights

Picnicking

I am dedicating a section for picnic because it is significant part of the year. Haha. I discovered how crazy Zw can be when it comes to picnics and it started with how I would request for us to go for picnic just to chill together. Our first picnic was with chips I think... Then we slowly added fruits... added cooked food (egg, ham, salmon)... added canepes... added cold noodles... added portable bbq pit with tiger prawns, scallop, yakiniku meat... added cooking stove + frying pan... added desserts on 3-tiered dessert plates. LOL it just gets crazier. It's been really fun (though a lot of prep work is involved) and Zw always has neverending ideas about picnics. He is always able to make something monotonous to refreshing!

School

This is also another huge milestone for me this year. Can't believe I am done with school! As you know, school is really not for me. I like work wayyyyy more than school and I'm just glad school is over, for now. Juggling with school and work has not been easy, especially due to COVID-19, the SW dept took away exams and changed them to assignment based grading and hence I had lots of assignments during the semester. I had to go for a 10 week internship too but I'm very thankful for the opportunity to intern at the FSC that I have been dreaming of going. It was a lot of adjustment for me when I first started internship because of work problems (at the Home), many assignments, and because I had high expectations of myself to excel in my internship as I really wanted to join the FSC in the near future. So I put a lot of pressure on myself too. That said, the internship was a really pleasant one, albeit stressful. The work wasn't easy. I met with grumpy and slightly anti-social old man who faced physical abuse charges, clients suffering from mental health issues, relationship issues, neighbour issues, health issues, struggles with pain and suffering etc. It was a really eye opening experience for me. There were also lots of case recordings and reports to be done. There's the side projects which caused me a lot of anxiety lol, making me want to crawl back to the comforts of work in the Home again. All in all, the work at FSC also allowed me to gain more appreciation for the work that I do at the Home and I came back to work after 10 weeks feeling refreshed again and ready to serve my residents again. 

The colleagues at the FSC was also so awesome, for including me whenever they can and I feel like I could be part of the small Team B family, imparting me with knowledge and skills as a budding social worker, always patient with me when I have doubts and questions, to process with me about my discomforts, or simply just sharing with each other about our personal lives. I hope to be able to join the organisation one day :) 

To close up this post, on hindsight, I don't feel like I was derailed from my plans just because of COVID-19. Well, other than my travel plans (Zw and I cancelled our Malacca trip and didn't get refund for the hotel boohoooo; no more Taiwan and Korea trip), I felt like my plans were achieved as per normal and in fact I thrived by finding new ways to cope and discovering new hobbies! And I also completed school and had a really good break while working from home!

2021 will probably not be any more different, in terms of pandemic management measures, but I do hope to do the following:

- Bake and cook more!

- Get my driving license

- Go on a cruise to nowhere

- Continue connecting with my mum often

- Continue to be more aware of short-temperedness and to hold myself back from snapping back if there really is no need to

- To be a registered social worker

Haha a side goal will be to update this blog more often :3

&the pages keep turning.

These days, I realised that there's certain kinds of work that I wouldn't mind encroaching into my time outside of work hours. In the past, I always harped on the importance of work-life balance and I absolutely hate answering work related queries outside of work hours. But now, with work from home arrangements and actually preferring to work at night (rather than in the day time), I find myself becoming more comfortable at working outside of my usual hours (8am-5pm).

And another factor is maybe because I like my work :) And I also enjoy discussions with my colleagues as we broaden our perspective about various things and becoming surer of what our 'roles' as a case manager are.

However, as much as I enjoy my work, I cannot agree with management's directions and that has caused me a lot of internal struggles and frustrations. As much as I want to reframe my thinking, yes I can reframe my thinking about how I receive criticisms or illogical negative feedback, I can't reframe my values and principles. It's a struggle for me to have to always expand my mental energy to reconcile the differing values and approaches between the management and myself (and case managers). I wish such mental energy could be spent on my clients instead of the management. These struggles often made me think about staying or leaving the organisation (but my 1 year bond with the organisation makes this decision a little more complex than I would have wished). My colleague had previously warned me from the beginning about the bond but I thought I would be fine.

But on some days, I find myself crumbling inside little by little.

And on other days, I remain hopeful and focused on what is truly important.

&the pages keep turning.

It's my last Sunday before I'm back in office (for 2 weeks and then more WFH). I've enjoyed my WFH time thoroughly. I wish I can always WFH but it's prolly not good because I tend to slack off too much some times. Haha.

&the pages keep turning.